


Flashing Lights In My Mind

by PigSlay



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Amnesia, M/M, Other, Recreational Drug Use, Sex Mentions, pills/drugs at the beginning that force Zayn to blackout and end up in the hospital, possible emotional manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-19 23:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5983750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PigSlay/pseuds/PigSlay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn wakes up with amnesia and forgets he's not in One Direction anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Counted all my mistakes and there's only one standing out from the list

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know One Direction, but as far as I know, Zayn doesn’t have amnesia as of now so this isn’t real. Also, I realize that the “two month break” in this fic is probably way longer than two months, but whatever. It is fiction after all. Thank you so much to Janee for being my brainstorm buddy for this fic and never giving up on my ability to write 20K+ words, even when I almost did. Also thank you to my betas, Nisa and tumblr user sleepymouses. And lastly thank you to my artist, Rachel.
> 
> Link to the beautiful fanmix Rachel made for me: https://8tracks.com/smile-life/flashing-lights-in-my-mind
> 
> :)

Lights were flashing as bright as the fourth of July in the States and sounds were blaring from the speakers louder than the audiences Zayn remembered performing to on the last stadium tour – and that’s saying something.

Lips chapped beyond repair, he sang gibberish to the tune of the beat – pretty sure it was nothing close to what the lyrics actually were.

It was pretty much impossible to see, or hear, much of anything, and Zayn was enjoying every second of it.

Drunk and high out of his mind, the boy was mostly just laughing at how messed up everything was at that moment. He’d gone out to the club with Shahid and had forgotten the names of pretty much everyone Shahid introduced him to as soon as he met them.

Just then, he bumped into someone. He nearly fell over with how much he wobbled after the contact, but somehow he caught himself just in time.

He couldn’t really digest who it was he bumped into, all he registered was the fact that they were handing him a pill that looked really intriguing. His mom always taught him not to take pills from strangers at parties, but by that point his common sense had long left, so he just shrugged and swallowed it dry.

After that, everything faded, and Zayn couldn’t remember anything that happened in the last two years. Including that night.

Next thing he knows, he’s being woken up by his mom. He doesn’t really spend any time looking around or thinking about why he’s in a weird sort of nightgown, because as soon as he sees his mom’s face, nothing else matters.

“Hey,” his mom greets, walking over to his bed.

“Mum,” Zayn responds happily, getting up to hug her because she’s probably waking him up for breakfast. He finally looks around at the area surrounding him, and it’s definitely not his house. “Wait… where am I?”

“You mean they haven’t talked to you yet?” his mom asks, concern in her voice.

Zayn raises an eyebrow. “They who? You mean Liam, Niall, Harry, and Louis? No, I haven’t received any phone calls from them lately. Kind of sad, but I know they wanna spend this break with their families as much as I do.”

“Oh honey,” his mom walks over and hugs him. When she pulls back, her face is sad. Zayn’s not sure why though; he’s not hurt by the fact the other boys wanted to spend break with their families or anything. “You’re in the hospital, Zayn. You… You got amnesia.”

Zayn is taken aback. “I got amnesia? But how?”

She shakes her head. “We don’t really know. All we know is that some anonymous person found you passed out at a club and took you to the hospital.”

Zayn frowns. He’s worried now. Do all the other boys know he has amnesia? They have to, right? Surely his mom or someone else would’ve told them.

“Passed out at a club…” he repeats. He tries to remember something, anything, about that, but all he can picture is someone laughing at his face. He wonders who this person is and why they’re laughing so hard. He decides not to think about it much more though, because the random person laughing may not even be from the same day as the day he passed out.

His mom starts looking sadder by the second. “Mum… It’s okay, yeah? We’ll get through this together.” He doesn’t know why _he’s_ comforting _her_ , shouldn’t it be the other way around? It’s just the way he’s always been though.

“You’re right, pumpkin,” she agrees. “We will.” She kisses his forehead. She stays a little bit longer, telling him about what’s going on in her life (some things he remembers her telling him before, some things he doesn’t) and assuring him that his sisters will be here to see him soon.

“What about my brothers?” Zayn asks, referring to Liam, Louis, Harry, and Niall.

She just smiles sadly. “I’m sure they will eventually.” With that she leaves him to go back home.

***

It’s been several days and Zayn’s gotten out of the hospital and has been staying with his mom. He still hasn’t seen or heard from any of the other boys at all. Every time he asks his mom about it, she dances around the subject.

He gets it, really. Someone close to you getting amnesia has to hurt, and he can’t imagine how his four brothers must be dealing with it.

Zayn just can’t take this anymore, though. He needs to see them again, or at least talk to one of them. So one night, when his mom is asleep, he sneaks downstairs to look for where she hid his phone.

She said it’s ‘still too soon’ for him to be using his phone again, but he thinks that’s a load of garbage. He remembers how to click buttons on his list of contacts, thank you very much.

First he looks through her purse. It’s a mess of make-up, photos of him and his sisters, old receipts, and cash (which Zayn definitely does NOT borrow some of). Once it’s clear his phone isn’t there, he hastily puts all her stuff back inside and moves onto looking through cabinets.

Suddenly, a memory comes back to him. His mom, getting angry at his sisters for losing something that was in the cabinet closest to the fridge. Zayn decides to take it as a sign and check that cabinet.

Sure enough, inside that cabinet he finds his phone. He takes it out and clicks on ‘contacts’. He thinks about which boy to call up, eventually deciding on Niall because he’s almost always up super late on breaks and, well, they HAVE to be on break, right? They can’t still be touring without Zayn.

He clicks Niall’s name and it takes two rings, but then he picks up. “Hello?”

“Niall!” Zayn replies cheerfully. “How are you?”

“Zayn?” Niall questions, sounding surprised. “Wha – why are you calling?”

Zayn frowns. “Because I haven’t heard from any of you guys since what happened. I was getting worried.”

Niall chuckles, but doesn’t sound very happy. “Guess we just don’t really know what to say.”

“I get that,” Zayn agrees. “It’s a big thing to take. So what have you and the boys been up to lately?”

“Uh…” Niall starts. “Well, we’re on tour break right now. Liam and Louis have been writing some sick songs for the fifth album but mostly-”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Zayn says, eyes wide. “Fifth album? I thought we were about to write our third one.”

“No, Zayn,” Niall replies slowly. “We released our third album in November 2013. It’s now 2015.”

Zayn remembers… a tiny bit. It’s a little fuzzy, but he remembers celebrating their third album (Midnight Memories?) going to number one. “That’s awesome!” Zayn cheers at the memory. “So when are the five of us gonna get back in the studio? I know we’re on break and stuff, but I’m ready to get going again.”

Niall pauses. “Is this a joke?”

“No?” Zayn asks, frowning. “Listen, I know I messed things up by being in the hospital, but I’m out now and-”

“Hold on a minute,” Niall interrupts, concern in his voice now. “You were in the hospital? When? Why?”

“About two weeks ago…” Zayn responds, confused. “I got amnesia. Did they not tell you?”

There’s a moment of silence which has Zayn’s heart beating faster by the second. “I… I gotta go.” Niall finally says.

“Wait, what? Are you angry at me for something?” He tries to wrack his brain for anything in the last few months he could’ve said or done to upset Niall, but all he gets is a fuzzy image of the four other boys crying. He wonders what they were sad about. Did their latest single do poorly or something?

“No, no.” Niall insists. “It’s just been a long night is all. I’ll… umm… I’ll make sure to call you again at some point and let you know when we’re recording again, promise.”

Zayn isn’t sure he believes it’s _just_ a ‘long night’ that’s bothering Niall, but he doesn’t push it. “Alright. Promise you’ll call me again soon?”

“Promise.”

“Okay. Bye Niall. I love you.”

“I… uh… I love you too, Zayn. Bye.”

The phone hangs up. Well… that was awkward to say the least. Niall said he’d call again soon though, and that’s all he can ask for. He puts his phone back in the cabinet, hoping Niall will somehow know to wait until nighttime to call him again.

Despite the awkwardness and slight worry he feels for Niall, he falls asleep with a smile on his face. He finally got to talk to one of his boys again, which is all he could ask for.

***

Niall keeps calling Zayn up on a regular basis after that. Their conversations are rarely very long, and there’s still a bit of awkwardness hanging in the air, Zayn constantly feeling like he’s missing something important. He loves it though, loves being able to talk to Niall so much again. He’s starting to remember more things thanks to it, including the fact that they have a _documentary_ about them, how cool!

His mom decided to give him his phone back full-time after three nights in a row of noticing the phone facing the side opposite it was where she placed it. He’s grateful to be able to talk to Niall in the daytime too instead of constantly sneaking around at night.

Still, Zayn’s starting to feel trapped in his house.

“I thought you always said you liked being at home more than being with us,” Niall points out jokingly.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Zayn waves off. “As much as I love seeing my parents and sisters though, I miss you guys. I wanna see you again.”

“Zayn, I really don’t think that’s a good-”

“I know what you’re gonna say,” Zayn replies automatically. “But you said we are, in fact, on break and told me where everyone lives now. Honestly if you didn’t want me to use those addresses, why’d you tell me them?”

“Yeah, but-”

“And I’m starting to remember things again,” he continues. “Not everything, but I remember a lot of things, thanks to you.” He smiles.

“I know, but I don’t think it’s-”

Zayn sighs. “Niall, I just need to see you all again. I can’t take it anymore. You guys are my brothers, and talking to you helps a little bit, but I just miss our group hugs and group games of FIFA and stuff.” He thinks he feels a tear forming, but he’s trying not to let it bother him. “I just… I need to see you all again.”

There’s a moment of silence, then Niall sighs. “Well I think no matter what I say, you’re still gonna go through with it. Just… be careful, and don’t get hurt.”

“You’re my brothers, aren’t you?” Zayn replies, grinning. “How would I get hurt?”

Niall exhales. “Right, right… Well, uh, I have to go now. I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”

“Talk to you later,” Zayn confirms, hanging up after they say their ‘I love you’s.

Zayn knows Niall (and his mum) means well, but he’s got to do this. He decides Liam will be the first one he’ll visit tomorrow. It makes sense in his mind since Liam has been his best friend since they were put together on the X Factor.

Zayn’s mind flashes to Louis’ face for a minute, but he feels like Louis is way more than a best friend. He tries not to think too much about it, but it’s hard not to acknowledge the fact that his crush on Louis has survived, possibly becoming even bigger after he got amnesia if that’s possible. Basically, he doesn’t want to see Louis again until he’s sure he can make the best impression on him possible.

If he finds himself packing a sleeping bag and pillow, that’s totally just out of habit and not at all because he’s hoping Liam will ask him to stay the night… That’s what he tells himself anyway.

He leaves early the next day, making sure it’s before his mom wakes up, leaving a note explaining what he’s doing and why he just has to do it. He grabs his keys and starts the two hour drive to Wolverhampton.

Zayn was afraid that he would have difficulties driving again as a result of his amnesia, but he remembers the way to Liam’s house almost perfectly. It’s like the way to the boys’ houses is muscle memory for him at this point. He had originally thought for a moment or two about texting Liam beforehand, but decided against it, thinking that it’s best if this is a surprise.

He parks his car nearby and walks the rest of the way to Liam’s house. He knocks on his door. “Hold on a minute,” Liam’s voice calls, sounding very sleep-deprived. Zayn smiles a little bit, remembering when he and Liam would stay up late during the X Factor days and Zayn would want to sleep the rest of the day away, but Liam would be ready to get up and go as soon as it was like 9am or something.

When Liam opens the door, his face looks shocked. “Zayn?”

“Liamm!” Zayn runs into Liam’s arms. It takes a moment before Liam hugs back, albeit not as hard as Zayn. When they pull back, Zayn is grinning widely.

Liam’s face is still shocked, but Zayn expected as much. This IS a surprise visit after all. “Wha… What are you doing here?”

Zayn shrugs. “I don’t know. I missed you guys. I haven’t seen any of your faces since before I got out of the hospital.”

“The hospital?” Liam asks, surprise turning into confusion.

Zayn’s face turns confused too. “Niall didn’t know either. Did they really not tell any of you that I got amnesia?” He thinks this is ridiculous. How could _no one_ have told any of his bandmates that he got amnesia?

“You… you got…” Liam looks like he has no idea what to say. A few seconds later he composes himself, clearing his throat. “You know, I’ve had my phone turned off most of the break. So many girls trying to DM me was ruining my sleep schedule.” He chuckles. “But uh…” He takes out his phone.

Zayn can’t read what it is, but something’s making Liam’s eyes almost bulge out of his head. “Oh, okay. I see now. Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner or anything.” He turns off his phone and smiles at Zayn, but something in the smile seems kind of weird or fake. Maybe that’s just Zayn being overly-paranoid though.

“Uh… are you alright, Liam? Should I not have come or…?” Zayn asks, biting his lip. He doesn’t want to impose.

“No, no, no,” Liam responds immediately. “It’s fine, I’m fine. I promise.” There’s that smile again. “Come on in.” He steps out of the way, holding the door open so that Zayn can come inside.

“Wow,” Zayn says, taken aback. “A lot more decorations in here than I remember.”

Liam laughs. “Yeah, the Missus hung a lot of that stuff up. She’s a very good decorator, I’ve gotta say.” He sighs romantically.

“The Missus?” Zayn raises an eyebrow. “You’re not married, are you?” He tries to remember something, anything, about going to a wedding in the last two years. All he gets is Louis inviting him to his mom’s wedding and not being able to make it because he was sick.

Liam snorts. “No, not married. Not yet anyway. Hopefully one day I will be though. I’m dating Sophia, remember? She’s amazing. Oh, here.” He walks over to a desk nearby and shows Zayn a picture of himself and Sophia.

“Oh yeah,” Zayn remembers, grinning. “I remember Sophia. I remember one day the three of us were messing around in your house-” he laughs “-and we accidentally broke one of your glasses while playing Monopoly.”

Liam laughs too. “I still don’t understand how that happened.”

“Me neither, me neither,” Zayn shakes his head. The two of them spend the next few hours talking to each other about things, and just like with Niall, there’s some awkwardness in the air when Zayn tries to ask about subjects like if they’ve planned yet when they’re going back to the recording studio, but it’s fun. Zayn’s so happy to be able to talk to Liam again.

“So…” Liam says at about 4:00 PM. “Uh… don’t you have to be going home now? If you wanna make it back in time for dinner and all.”

“Oh,” Zayn replies. “Uh… I guess…” He makes not-at-all-subtle looks at his sleeping bag and pillow on the floor, hoping Liam notices.

After several awkward minutes of silence though, he breathes out. “Liam, can I please stay at your house? My mum’s gonna kill me for going here as soon as I get back, and I’ve missed you.” He makes the pouty face he would always give Liam when he was tired and didn’t want to record anymore vocals for the day.

Liam eyes him warily, and sighs. “You know I can’t say no when you make that face, Zayn.” Zayn smiles. “Fine, you can stay here for a few days if that’s what you feel will help you best recover. You can set up your sleeping bag and pillow over there-” he points to a couch a few steps away “-I’ll start making some dinner.”

Zayn immediately picks up his stuff and walks over to the couch. “Thank youuu, Liam.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Liam replies teasingly. “Don’t be such a kiss-up now, or I may change my mind.” He winks.

After Zayn finishes setting up his bedding on the couch, he just kind of lays there, staring at all the pictures around Liam’s house. One in particular catches his eye: a selfie of all five of them performing somewhere, Zayn’s not sure where, hanging on the wall behind the couch.

When Liam comes over to him later on and offers him a fruit salad – which Zayn accepts – he’s still staring at the picture. “Liam, what is this from?”

“Hmm?” Liam asks, sitting down next to him to see what he’s talking about. “Oh, that’s from when we performed at the San Siro during the last tour, the Where We Are Tour.”

“The San Siro…” Zayn remembers suddenly. That was a performance of theirs that was recorded and made into a DVD. “Woah, we performed a _stadium_ tour?” Saying that out loud triggers another memory in him – of their most recent tour. The On The Road Again Tour. “Wait, we’ve done _two_ stadium tours?” His mouth is hanging open.

“Yeah, babes,” Liam replies easily, as if it’s not a huge deal. “Did Niall not tell you about that or something? Figured that would’ve been the first thing he’d tell you about. He’s so giddy during most every stadium show.” He giggles.

That doesn’t surprise Zayn. Niall’s always been the one most in love with their fans. “He said we were on break from our tour right now, but he didn’t mention we were playing freakin’ STADIUMS!” Zayn’s mouth is just hanging open now, eyes not able to look away from the picture. He can’t believe this. Liam’s just sitting there laughing kindly at him.

Zayn turns to face Liam suddenly and attempts to relax his expression at least a little bit. “Do you have the DVD?” he asks.

Liam raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean? What DVD?”

“The San Siro DVD,” Zayn tells him. “I remember now that there was a DVD made of that performance. Do you have it?”

“’Course I do,” Liam smiles, getting up to go get it. He immediately puts it in the DVD player a few feet from the couch, before Zayn can even ask him to do so.

Zayn laughs when it gets to the main menu. “Wait, we have our own different menus?” he asks, referring to the fact that they can click on any of the five members and be directed to a menu with pictures of that member and a song playing in the background.

“Well, yeah,” Liam shrugs, laughing slightly too. “We all thought it would be a cute idea for the fans to pick their favorite member. And when we told the graphics people, they decided they loved the idea.”

“So do I get to pick my favorite member then?” Zayn winks, grabbing the remote Liam is holding out.

“Only if it’s me,” Liam winks back, chuckling.

“Hmm…” Zayn smirks as he makes it look like he’s going to select Liam, then quickly selects Louis. He turns to Liam, laughing extremely loudly because he did the exact opposite of what he asked, but Liam looks more uncomfortable than anything.

Before Zayn can ask what’s wrong though, Liam quickly composes himself again and snorts. “You a***hole.”

There’s still a hint of something in his voice Zayn’s not sure how to place – Sadness? Worry? Concern? – But he decides whatever it is, it’s probably none of his business, and besides they have a movie to watch right now.

He presses the play button and watches as the movie opens, flashing back and forth between images of crying fans and a black screen, with what sounds like a medley of their songs playing in the background – that’s definitely Little Things he just heard, and he recognizes some of the other songs too, although not all of them.

“After this is over can you play the last few albums for me?” Zayn asks, smiling widely.

“Of course babe,” Liam replies, smiling back. As soon as he says that though, Zayn hears Louis’ voice on the screen and turns, his attention now not wavering until the movie is over.

After it _is_ over, and Zayn’s finished freaking out over the things he remembers from that night (in a good way), Liam asks Zayn if he wants to listen to the albums now or tomorrow.

“Well,” Zayn draws out. “If my memory serves me correctly, I did do a lot of kicking your butt in FIFA every time I came over here.”

“Oh, is _that_ how you remember it?” Liam smirks. “Because I remember cleaning the floor with your tears because you were so sad you lost last time you were here.”

“Is that a challenge?” Zayn asks.

“You know it,” Liam confirms, already making his way toward the drawer he keeps his games (including gaming systems) in.

“You’re on,” Zayn accepts, sitting back down on the couch and waiting for Liam to set everything up.

They play five rounds. Zayn wins the first one (“I was just going easy on you that time,” Liam insisted, which Zayn scoffed at), and Liam wins all the other ones. It’s okay though, it’s to be expected since Zayn’s a little rusty.

“Just you wait,” Zayn promises now as Liam gets up. “I’m gonna be back and better than ever at this game soon, you’ll see.”

Liam snorts. “Yeah, we’ll see about that.” The two boys smile at each other, and even though it was a bit of an awkward start, Zayn’s so glad he made the decision to come here this morning. It feels so great, feels so… real, to finally be able to see Liam in the flesh again and play video games with him. It’s exactly the kind of thing he’s been missing these past few days with his mom.

Speaking of which, he turns on his phone and sees that he has three missed calls and a new text from her. He’s surprised she didn’t text more than once to be honest, but he thinks it’s because she knows not to badger him too much and that he’ll respond when he’s ready.

**_Trisha:_ ** _Zayn, where are you? Please call me, I’m worried about you._

He smiles and immediately starts typing a reply.

**_Zayn:_ ** _Mum, I’m ok . I’m stayin with Liam for now though. I hope you understand ? :) x_

**_Trisha:_ ** _He’s letting you stay there?_

Just as Zayn’s about to respond with a ‘yeah, why wouldn’t he?’ she sends another text.

**_Trisha:_ ** _That’s great, honey. I’m so glad, and of course I understand. Please don’t hesitate to text or call me if something goes wrong though._

Zayn’s positive nothing will go wrong. He’s staying with Liam for crying out loud. He knows his mom is probably just being protective though.

**_Zayn:_ ** _of course not. –Kiss emoji- I’ll talk to you later then, yeah? Goodnight , I love you. xx_

**_Trisha:_ ** _I love you too, Zayn. Goodnight. –Heart emoji-_

He’s about to turn off his phone, when he remembers something. He looks at the time and doesn’t think it’s too late (it’s definitely not as late as it was when the two of them first started phoning each other regularly anyway). He types in Niall’s number and hits the talk button.

Niall picks up pretty quickly. “Zayn?” As he speaks, there’s a hint of… concern(?) in his otherwise normal voice. Zayn wonders why. “Are you…?” he clears his throat and his voice sounds a little more normal. “What’s up?”

“Hi Niall,” Zayn starts. “Is… is everything okay?”

“Uh yeah,” Niall responds distantly. “No, definitely. Just been worrying about some things is all. Uh… anyways, how are you?”

“I’m fantastic!” Zayn replies honestly, grinning. “I went to Liam’s house today, and got to play video games with him. He also showed me the Where We Are Tour DVD. You didn’t tell me we’ve played _stadiums_! And we’re on our _second_ stadium tour at that?” Zayn’s still trying to wrap his head around that idea.

Niall giggles. “Oh yeah. How could I forget to tell you that?” He says it so nonchalantly, like it isn’t a HUGE freakin’ deal. He guesses that all of them, including himself, kind of got used to it after a while though. “Did you own Liam in the video games?”

“Not this time,” Zayn admits. “But once I get back in the practice of playing video games with him, he better watch out.”

“I heard that!” Liam yells from his room. Zayn covers his laughter. He should never underestimate Liam’s powerful senses.

Niall snorts on the other line. “I wouldn’t be making threats like that if I was you, Zayn. Don’t ever wanna mess with Liam.”

“Oh it’s not a threat.” Zayn raises his voice so Liam can hear him loud and clear. “It’s a promise!”

“You’re on, Zayn!” Liam calls back. “You’re on!”

Zayn feels like his voice box is going to fall out from laughing too hard at that. He loves bantering with Liam so much.

“Anyway,” Zayn turns his attention back to Niall. “See Niall, I told you that this was a good idea. You had nothing to worry about. What harm could Liam ever do to me, outside video games?” He adds a chuckle on the end.

Niall is silent for a moment. “You’re right, Zayn. I shouldn’t have been so worried. Uh… are you planning to visit any of the other boys?”

Zayn ponders this for a moment. Like before, he doesn’t want to see Louis again until he can make the best impression on the boy he still has a crush on. He _would_ like to see Niall and Harry though, at some point. “Uh, at some point, yeah. But for now I think I just want to stick by Liam’s house, if he’ll let me.”

Speak of the devil, at that very moment Liam walks over to the couch. Zayn stops laying down and sits up to make room for him.

“That’s a good idea,” Niall says, sounding somewhat relieved. “I’m glad you, uh, have found what you need right now.”

“Hey,” Zayn tells him. “You should come over here at some point, if you have the time. Phone conversations are great and all, but I miss your smile.” It’s true; Niall’s smile has always been one of Zayn’s favorite things – he’s sure the other boys will agree too. Niall just has that perfect grin that could end wars.

“How romantic,” Niall jokes. “But yeah, definitely. I’ll see what I can do. If Liam will let me, of course.”

_Duh,_ Zayn thinks to himself. He mentally slaps himself for inviting people over to someone else’s house, but come on, it’s _Niall_. He and Liam were the very first of the five to become friends, as boot camp roomies on X Factor. He’s sure Liam will have no objections to Niall coming over.

“Well,” Zayn says now, noticing Liam lightly poking him, which he takes to mean it’s time to end the conversation. “Think ‘m gonna hit the sack now, Niall. I’ll talk to you tomorrow though. Goodnight. I love you.”

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing actually,” Niall agrees. “Goodnight, Zayn. I love you too.”

The two boys hang up and Zayn turns to Liam now, not sure what to make of his expression, but smiling anyway despite himself.

“Is there something you were trying to talk to me about?” he asks, referring to the poking Liam was doing a little bit ago.

“Yes,” Liam nods, biting his lip. “There’s something important I need to talk to you about. I’m afraid if I don’t do it now, I never will.” His face is full of too many emotions at once. Zayn doesn’t like it. He frowns, starting to worry a little bit about what it is Liam has to say.

“You see, Zayn, the thing is… You, uh…” he drops his gaze to his lap, itching at his hair slightly. Zayn tries to put a comforting hand on his leg, slowly rubbing circles around it.

When Liam looks up at Zayn again, he has tears forming in his eyes. He sighs. “Forget it, I can’t do this tonight,” he mutters, voice just barely above a whisper.

“Liam?” Zayn asks, wanting to wipe away his tears and destroy whatever cruel force is causing this reaction in his best friend.

Liam just shakes his head though, wiping his eyes and looking away again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just can’t talk to you about this tonight.”

Zayn wraps his arms around Liam. “Liam, I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but whatever it is, I’m sorry it’s making you feel this way. We don’t have to talk about whatever it is tonight, yeah?” Liam turns to face him again. “Yeah. So just don’t think about it anymore tonight, okay? I don’t like seeing my best friend so sad.”

Liam bites his lip, nodding. “Yeah. I… I’ll try not to. We’ll… we’ll talk about it eventually.” He finally wraps his arms around Zayn too and the two boys share a long and tight embrace.

Zayn almost hopes they _don’t_ talk about it eventually, because if it’s bad enough to make Liam cry so hard he can barely speak, Zayn can’t imagine any good coming from it. However, he also knows that sometimes the most important things to talk about are also the hardest things to talk about, so he’ll just wait for whatever happens.

Eventually Liam pulls away, wiping one last tear from his eye. “Well…” He clears his throat. “I think the two of us deserve a good rest tonight, yeah?”

Zayn nods, although he thinks Liam needs it more than he does. He hopes Liam gets a long night’s sleep. “Goodnight Liam. I love you.” He presses a big kiss to his cheek. He’s missed kissing Liam’s cheek a lot.

“Goodnight. I love you too, Zayn.” Liam smiles sadly, also putting a small kiss on Zayn’s cheek. Zayn smiles, because he also missed Liam giving him cheek kisses too.

Liam goes back to his room, and Zayn lays down, drifting off to sleep almost instantly in his sleeping bag. He goes to sleep smiling and dreaming of the moment when he will finally get to hug all five of his boys at the same time again. He hopes it’s soon, because the group hugs are by far the number one thing he wants to feel again.

The next day starts out fantastic. Liam takes Zayn on a drive around the city of Wolverhampton, playing Midnight Memories and Four in the car.

“No way,” Zayn says during the song ‘Night Changes’. “Is that you?”

“The very one,” Liam beams.

Zayn gasps. He gasps because the high note Liam just hit in the song was amazing. “Your voice is so great, babe,” he tells him honestly. “I mean, your voice has been great since day one on X Factor, but still. That high note was perfect.”

Liam laughs, blushing. “Thank you. Your voice is pretty awesome too.”

They spend most of the ride in silence, just listening to the music and stopping for gas once or twice. Sometimes Liam sings along and sometimes he’ll tell Zayn a memory he associates with the song or something.

“This one is called ‘Stockholm Syndrome’,” Liam says now. “The very first time we performed it, you, uh, forgot pretty much all the lyrics to your verse and remembered Niall’s instead.” He giggles.

Zayn suddenly remembers it and cringes at himself. He was so tired that day, having only gotten to the city of the place they were performing at that day. “Yeah… Did I do better after that first day though?”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” Liam assures. “It’s not like you were the only one who did poorly that night, mate. We all just needed a good night’s sleep and everything.”

Zayn’s content with that answer. He hopes it’s true, because right now he can’t remember any other performances of their current (?) tour other than that one. He trusts Liam to tell him the truth though, including when he did terribly.

When they get home, Zayn feels like he’s on cloud nine with how happy he is. He’s heard their two most recent albums – both of which were awesome – and remembers more than he did when he first woke up today.

Unfortunately, as soon as he sits down on the couch while waiting for Liam to make a late lunch, that’s when it all starts to go downhill. It starts with a knock on the door.

“Coming!” Liam calls, turning the stove down to ‘medium’. As soon as he opens the door though, he gasps and his voice tone changes. “Umm… hi. I… I forgot you were coming today. Uh…” he looks over towards Zayn for like a split second, but it’s long enough that Zayn can see the fear on his face. “Can we, can we reschedule for tomorrow or something?”

“Why do you need to reschedule for tomorrow, Payno?” That voice. Zayn would know that voice anywhere. It’s… it’s Louis’ voice. Suddenly Zayn starts smiling super widely and all those worries he had before of being afraid he wouldn’t make the perfect impression on Louis are gone. He doesn’t care anymore. He just needs to hop into Louis’ arms, stat.

“Are you and Sophia in the middle of getting it on or something?” Louis tsks. “Your hair isn’t all messy so you must still be in the foreplay stage or something.”

Liam sputters. “Uh, no, we’re not getting it on, but-”

“LOUIS!” Zayn screams all at once, running and not stopping until he wraps his arms around Louis. He thinks he hears Liam sigh resigned behind him, but that might’ve just been his imagination.

He notices something is off though. Louis isn’t hugging him back, he feels stiff as a rock and not like he’s enjoying being hugged by Zayn at all. Zayn pulls back, face asking ‘what’s wrong?’ but he doesn’t get a chance to actually ask that question because right as he starts to open his mouth, Louis says something instead.

“Liam,” he says, voice slow and soft but obviously angry. Then louder and all at once, “What is HE doing here?”

Zayn steps back, feeling wounded, like his heart is breaking into a million pieces. The huge glare on Louis’ face makes it even worse, if that’s possible. Why is Louis angry he’s here? Why is Louis looking at him like that; like he’d do anything just to set him on fire and laugh at his ashes?

He definitely hears Liam sighing this time. Zayn forgot Liam was even here. The fire in Louis’ eyes was making him forget his own name too. He turns to Liam now, face a look of desperation. Does Liam know what he could’ve done to cause this reaction in Louis? Because he’s trying so hard to remember something, anything, that could’ve made Louis act like this to him, but can’t.

“Uh, Zayn,” Liam says in the calmest tone he can manage. “Can you give me and Louis a moment to talk to each other?”

“O… of course,” Zayn replies distantly, walking back over to the couch and trying not to cry. Liam walks Louis to his room and closes the door. Zayn can still hear parts of their conversation though.

“Did Niall not text you?” Liam asks.

“Liam, the only thing Niall texted me about last was some Irish sports team,” Louis replies, and Zayn cringes at the fury in his voice. “He didn’t text me about He Who Must Not Be Named in there.”

Zayn’s really sure he’s going to start crying any minute now. What did he _do_ to make Louis call him “He Who Must Not Be Named”? Guilt fills him up, taking over his entire being.

“Listen,” Liam tells Louis, and Zayn really applauds Liam for being able to keep such a calm tone in this situation. It must be so awkward for him to deal with. “Zayn is staying with me for a few days to deal with things.”

Louis scoffs. “Deal with WHAT? The fact that HE-”

“NO!” Liam yells over Louis, cutting him off. There’s silence for a few moments and then Liam speaks again, voice quiet. “Louis, he got amnesia. He doesn’t remember…” Zayn isn’t sure what Liam says after that, his voice too quiet to make out.

Next thing he knows, Louis is laughing loud and humorlessly. “This is a joke right? This has to be a huge freakin’ joke.”

He strides out the door, Liam trailing behind him. “Louis no-”

It’s too late though. Louis is already walking up toward Zayn, fake smile wedged across his face. “How convenient. How totally convenient that you would ‘get amnesia’ right after this happens. How convenient that you would ‘forget’ something so big.”

“Yesterday he told me he didn’t remember we were playing stadiums,” Liam points out. “And he didn’t remember our albums after _Take Me Home_.”

“And you,” Louis says, turning to face him. “You are too trusting of everyone. Honestly Liam, I could tell you I forgot what 2 + 2 was one day and you’d believe me and tell me it was 4.” He turns his gaze back to Zayn. “You really forgot it that easily Zayn? You really forgot how selfish you were, and all over a guy who doesn’t even have your best interests at heart?”

“Louis,” Liam warns, expression suddenly stern.

Louis raises his eyebrows at him and puts his hands up in surrender. “Fine, fine. If you’re gonna believe this load of rubbish, be my guest.” He starts walking towards the door. “You’re right Liam, we _should_ reschedule for tomorrow. I’ll see you then. Bye, Liam. Bye, fake.” He slams the door behind him before either Zayn or Liam can respond.

Zayn just sits there, blinking and wondering what the heck just happened.

The rest of the day goes like this: Zayn takes a nap, hoping that it’ll make him feel better, but it doesn’t. Zayn tries to draw in a sketchbook he brought with him, but all he can think about is Louis’ angry face, looking at him like he was the most despicable human being in the world.

It’s when Liam comes to sit beside him while the two of them eat dinner that he finally cracks. He pushes away his food on the table and starts crying hard.

“My mum and Niall were right,” he says through his tears. “I shouldn’t have come here. They warned me it was a bad idea, tried to make me stay at my mum’s house, but I didn’t understand why.” He wipes his eyes with his sleeves. “I’m sorry, Liam. I’m sorry I came here and put you in such an awkward position. I didn’t know Louis would be so upset with me. I still don’t understand what it is I did, but I doubt you’ll tell me. So maybe… maybe it’ll be better if I just start packing up my stuff now.”

“Zayn, no,” Liam responds immediately, putting down his food and turning towards him. “You don’t have to leave. I let you in here because I _want_ you to be here, because I _love_ you. I knew Louis would react that way if he saw you, and I’m sure Niall and your mum did too, but listen to me.” He puts his arms softly on Zayn’s shoulders. “I know for a fact Louis didn’t do that because he hates you. He’s angry, sure, but he doesn’t hate you.”

“But WHY is he angry at me, Liam?” Zayn asks, pleading. “What did I do? What is this thing I did that nobody wants to tell me?” All he wants is an answer. He doesn’t need it sugarcoated, he doesn’t need it told to him slowly like a child being told what they did wrong. He just needs an answer, no matter how bad it is. No matter how much he regrets whatever he did. He hates being in the dark while everybody else is outside in the bright light.

Liam plays with his mouth, contemplative. “I don’t think I can tell you…” His voice is so sad, like he’s found out someone he loved moved away or something. “I just… Gosh, Zayn.”

He removes his hands from Zayn’s shoulders to wipe at his eyes. “You just need to understand that this thing affected all of us, and none of us are really sure how to approach the subject with you yet. But we will soon. I promise, okay?”

Zayn’s not sure he does understand actually, since he doesn’t know what he DID. However, he will try his best to be patient with them. He trusts them with his life, so he has to trust Liam when he says it’ll make sense in time.

“Okay,” he sniffles. “Okay, I trust you.” He hugs Liam like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do, and feels so many emotions in the hug. Confusion, hurt, guilt, and trust. He’s pretty sure it’s not just him feeling all four of these emotions either.

That night, he doesn’t call Niall. Instead he sends him (as well as his mom) a text.

**_Zayn:_ ** _Not feelin good at all tonight , don’t feel like talking to anyone but wanted to say goodnight to you all at least x_

**_Trisha:_ ** _Is everything okay, hon?_

**_Zayn:_ ** _No , Louis came over today and he was so angry at me , mum. He like yelled at me, and I don’t even know what I did. :/ Liam says I’ll know eventually , but still. Hurt a lot to have someone I love yell at me like that , you know?_

He ends it with a sad emoji, hoping they don’t read too much (or the correct amount) into the “someone I love” part, but then he thinks he’s probably overreacting.

**_Niall:_ ** _Im so sorry t hear that , Zayn . Was afraid he’d do that if you 2 saw each other again :/ promise it’ll be ok with time though … Might have to stop over by Liam’s meself and have a group round of FIFA to make you feel better._

Zayn smiles sadly. He really appreciates the fact that even though Louis is one of their best friends too, Niall and Liam still want to do their best to make Zayn feel better in light of this.

**_Zayn:_ ** _Thanks, little bro. Would love that idea actually. Sounds perfect :) x_

**_Niall:_ ** _Yeh , prepare t lose again though !_

**_Zayn:_ ** _We’ll see about that aha ;) should prob get some sleep now though. Goodnight Niall, goodnight mum. I love you :) x_

**_Trisha:_ ** _Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you too. Keep your chin up for me. –Heart emoji-_

**_Niall:_ ** _night , Zayn. Love ya bro !_

With that, Zayn turns off his phone and puts it away, calling out a “goodnight Liam! I love you.”

“Goodnight Zayn!” Liam calls back from his room. “I love you too.”

Zayn doesn’t go to bed smiling this time, and actually has quite a few nightmares about Louis and whatever the Mystery Thing he did is. His brain goes on overdrive with all the possibilities – he was too clingy and demanded more than Louis was willing to give, he revealed a secret that the boys had all told him to keep hidden, he had a fight with them over something dumb, etc.

At one point his brain even gives him a nightmare of him murdering someone. He tries his best to push them away and remind himself that Liam, Niall, and his family still love him. Would they really still love him if it was something as serious as murder? And he hopes that Louis still loves him too, even if he’s currently angry at him.

Louis does end up coming over the next day, but he says nothing to Zayn. Louis ignores him while playing video games with Liam (Zayn moved from the couch out of respect). Somehow the ignoring hurts worse than the yelling did yesterday.

“Darn it!” Louis calls when Liam destroys him in one of their games. “I was so close to winning too.”

Liam laughs. “Don’t flatter yourself too much, babe.”

“Yeah,” Zayn agrees, losing himself in the moment and forgetting Louis is angry at him. “Liam totally had that one.”

Liam grins at him. “Thought you said I better watch out or something like that.”

“With me,” Zayn reminds. “Not with Louis.” He winks, meaning it as a joke, but Louis doesn’t meet his eyes.

“Liam, who are you talking to?” Louis asks. “There’s nobody else here but the two of us, love.”

Zayn shuts down at that, deciding to just not say anything else until Louis leaves. Liam flashes him a look of support, which he appreciates. He knows how much Liam hates getting into fights with his friends (especially Louis now that they’re finally actually friends) and Zayn would never want to put Liam in an awkward position, so a look of support is the best thing he could ask for.

Most days continue like this. Louis comes over, does stuff with Liam, pretends Zayn isn’t there. Zayn’s afraid he’s going to explode, either from sadness or anger, if he has to continue being treated like a useless piece of dust by one of his best friends.

One day, there’s a knock on the door. Zayn sighs and recoils in his sleeping bag, preparing for another day of the pain, but when Liam goes and opens the door this time, it’s not Louis. It’s Niall and Harry.

Zayn sits up, shocked. “Niall, Harry. Hi.” He immediately runs to hug Niall, not sure if he’s allowed to hug Harry or not yet.

His question is answered as soon as Harry says, “Hey. Where’s my hug?”

Zayn giggles and proceeds to hug Harry too. When he does, he feels hair on top of the back of Harry’s shirt. He steps back and gasps as he takes a real look at Harry’s hair, continuing to touch it. “Your hair! It’s so long! When did it get so long?”

Harry shrugs, smiling sadly. “I think I stopped cutting it like, a year ago or something?”

“I love it,” Zayn says, still in awe. He takes a few more moments to stare at it and smile at Harry, so happy to see someone else who doesn’t hate him, someone who has gorgeous long hair, and someone who still gives such good hugs that he finds himself jumping back in for another one.

After the second hug, he steps back and looks back and forth between Niall and Harry, really taking them all in.

“What are you guys doing here?” He feels ridiculous for asking such a dumb question. This isn’t _his_ house. Liam probably just invited the other two over to watch movies with him or something.

“Liam called us,” Niall says like it’s obvious.

“Yeah,” Liam confirms from behind Zayn. Zayn jumps, almost falling. Niall catches him though, resulting in laughter from all four of them. Liam re-composes himself quickly. “I can tell how sad Louis being here and ignoring you has made you feel these past several days, and I don’t want you feeling unwelcome or anything, so I asked Niall and Harry about coming over here and they immediately said yes.”

Zayn still gives the other two boys (mainly Harry because he hasn’t been in contact with him at all) a worried expression. “You all don’t _have_ to be here just to make me feel better. I don’t want it to feel like a chore or anything.”

“Are you kidding?” Niall asks. “If we didn’t wanna be here, we would’ve said no.”

“Yeah,” Harry agrees. “You’re still our friend, Zayn. And yeah, I think we were all a bit disappointed after… the thing.” _As descriptive as ever_ , Zayn thinks to himself. “But we still love you.”

Zayn can’t help the fast beating of his heart. He feels like his cheeks are turning red, not out of embarrassment, but out of pure happiness. He loves his friends so much.

“You know, Zayn,” Niall says suddenly. “It’s been a while since any of us did a group cuddle with you.”

His cheeks turn even redder. “Oh, is that so?” He teases.

“Yeah…” Harry replies, smirking. “I seem to remember you’re a fantastic cuddler.”

“I can confirm this,” Liam puts in. Zayn laughs because he’s not sure how Liam can confirm that, they haven’t cuddled at all since he came here (a tragedy, really).

“Well, uh…” Zayn tries to compose himself, but the heat on his face won’t fade. “I don’t think the couch is big enough for all four of us.”

“Pfft,” Liam scoffs. “What are you talking about, ‘the couch’? We’re gonna do it on my bed, obviously.”

“Well, what are we waiting for then?” Niall pushes. “Let’s do it!”

Zayn keeps giggling until they’re all cuddling on Liam’s bed. It’s only like 8 PM (which in Zayn’s opinion is an early time to go to bed on break) but they end up all falling asleep in each other’s arms.

It feels so strange and different, yet so familiar at the same time. No matter how long it’s been, Zayn can never truly forget this feeling right here; like the world is on his fingertips and back, because this is his world.

He feels like he’s floating on air, with his arms around Liam and Niall’s arms around him, and Harry’s arms around Niall. They all fit together perfectly, like they’re made to walk through life with each other.

As Zayn goes to sleep, he realizes he has a lot to be thankful for. Whatever he did, it was big, and it made Louis resort to ignoring him now. But the fact that Liam called up Niall and Harry to make him feel better, and that they immediately said yes, makes Zayn realize just how much he loves his best friends. His brothers.

***

The next day, Zayn, Niall, and Harry wake up to the smell of Liam making pancakes. Naturally, the three of them immediately rush to the kitchen to get plates of them.

“Woah, slow down lads,” Liam laughs. “I’m not done making all of them yet.”

“You’re making pancakes that delicious smelling and you’re expecting us to _wait_ for that masterpiece?” Niall questions, using one of the utensils nearby to put two onto his plate. “Uh uh, not gonna happen.”

Zayn grunts with agreement, taking two for himself as well and going to sit beside Niall at the table.

“Hey,” Harry draws out. “I didn’t get any!”

“Don’t worry, Barry,” Liam assures him, one hand rubbing his shoulder. “Like I said I’m making more.”

Harry still pouts, but walks over to sit on Niall’s other side anyway. A comfortable silence falls over the kitchen, minus Zayn and Niall chewing and the various sounds of the stove. Eventually Liam comes over and sits next to Zayn. He passes one plate to Harry.

“So Zayn,” Harry starts, after a moment of appreciatively sighing over Liam’s pancakes. “How has life been treating you since you left the ba- hospital?”

Zayn doesn’t think much of Harry’s accidental tongue slip, since it’s early in the morning and they’re all adjusting. He doesn’t even notice the looks that Liam and Niall give Harry after the fact.

All he does is snort. “Well, could be better.” Harry nods guiltily, like he shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.

“But it also could be worse!” Zayn immediately continues. “Liam over here has been telling me all about how the last two years have been going for us.” He wraps a hand around the boy to his right.

“That’s great,” Harry says, smiling. “Have you started remembering more things then?”

“Yeah, I think I have,” Zayn nods. “I remember something about Niall falling over and nobody ever letting him live it down.”

“Oh, please don’t-” Niall tries, but it’s too late.

Liam and Harry are already putting on their best shocked faces and saying “Oh no Niall!” in unison.

Everybody at the table starts laughing then. Even Niall, who in between giggles says, “I’m gonna kill all of you.”

“That’s not very nice,” Zayn responds, wiping a fake tear and laughing a little more before he remembers something else. “Oh, and Liam played our last two albums for me like a week ago. They’re so good.”

“I agree,” Niall replies. “Liam and Louis are excellent writers.”

“They really are,” Zayn nods, turning to Liam and seeing a little blush on his cheeks. “Niall, were you the one who wrote that song, ‘Don’t Forget Where You Belong’?”

“Yeah,” Niall confirms, looking like this is one of his favorite topics to discuss. “Well me, Dougie, Tom, and Danny. It was-”

“Wait, who?” Zayn interrupts.

“Oh, right. The band McFly.”

“Awesome!” Zayn responds in awe. “That’s so sick!”

Niall grins. “Yeah. Anyway, it was a lot of fun, and a great song to write about the love I have for our fans.”

“And us,” Zayn says, referring to the five of them and their friendship. He hopes Niall understands what he means. He seems to.

Niall smiles sadly, looking a little more tense than he did a few moments ago. “Yeah, and us.”

Before Zayn can ask why though, someone knocks on the door. An eerie silence falls over the table because all four of them know who it has to be. Liam sighs, putting on his best smile and getting up to answer the door.

Sure enough, Louis answers the door. “Hi Louis,” Liam says in greeting.

“Louis!” Niall calls, seeming to suddenly forget everything else and running to hug Louis.

“Niall!” Louis replies, hugging him back. “Liam, you didn’t tell me there was a party going on. Is Harry here too?”

“Yep,” Liam confirms right as Zayn sees Harry starting to open his mouth.

“Well, well, well,” Louis smiles. “Why wasn’t I invited to the party?”

“Because you weren’t wanted,” Harry yells, shocking everyone in the room, including himself (if his expression right now is anything to go by).

It takes a few moments but then Louis speaks again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“N-nothing,” Harry tries now. “Uh… Liam made pancakes.” _Typical Harry,_ Zayn thinks to himself. _Always trying to drag himself out of drama (including the drama he starts)._

“No, really,” Louis pushes, walking up to the table and standing next to Harry. “What do you mean I wasn’t wanted?”

Harry bites his lip, clearly trying to avoid eye contact with Louis. There’s silence for a while before he finally says something again.

“Fine,” he murmurs, apparently deciding there’s no way to sugarcoat or walk away from this one. “Louis, I understand why you’re angry. I understand why you’re hurt. But the guy got _amnesia_ for goodness sake. Why are we torturing him for something out of his control?”

“Oh come on,” Louis immediately snorts. “He got _you_ believing it too? You’re all so gullible. He’s just pretending not to remember this. Why are you all so blind?”

This is the last straw. Zayn can no longer contain the fire in his veins. All at once, he snaps.

“No, Louis,” he yells, standing up and walking over to Louis. “I really _don’t_ remember! If I did, judging by how big whatever it is seems to be, do you really think I would just pretend it didn’t happen? I thought you knew me better than that.”

He feels tears forming in his eyes, and drops his voice a little bit. “Do you know how it feels for someone you thought was your best friend to just ignore you and pretend you don’t exist? To not tell you _anything_? Like, I don’t need it sugarcoated or anything. I just need to know the truth. What did I do? Honestly.”

Zayn feels out of breath now, and his sniffles are quickly turning into sobs. He hadn’t meant to spill all of that out at once, but it’s been building up in him a lot this past week and he just can’t take it anymore.

When he finally makes eye contact with Louis, he sees tears forming in Louis’ eyes too. “You really don’t remember, do you?” he asks, voice weak. Zayn shakes his head, not able to speak anymore.

“Well, Zayn. Let me start out by saying I _do_ know how it feels to have someone I thought was my best friend ignore me like I didn’t exist.” Louis wipes his tears with his sleeve, and Zayn thinks he hears one of the other boys leaving, probably deciding Zayn and Louis need to be left alone for this.

“I do because…” Louis’ voice and body shakes. “Because you left me. You left the band. And even if we’d all been kind of expecting it, it was just so sudden. You didn’t even tell any of us beforehand you were considering it or anything. You just told us you were planning on leaving one night. Then _right_ after everything was official and all, you were with some piece of rubbish producer in the studio.”

“…Oh my gosh,” Zayn steps back, shocked. His mind starts revealing the images, slowly but surely. The five of them in Zayn’s hotel room. Zayn telling the other four that he’s planning to leave. All of them crying. Zayn’s last show as a member of One Direction. The “official statement” released on Facebook.

He still can’t seem to piece together the puzzle on this ‘rubbish producer’ but he trusts Louis enough to be telling the truth about them being in the studio together right after Zayn quit, no matter how hard of a pill that is to swallow. Either way, he remembers enough now that he gets the gist of it.

“Oh my gosh,” Zayn repeats, still shocked and crying even more now. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I really did that. I can’t imagine ever leaving you guys.” Without thinking, he jumps into Louis’ arms, both of them sobbing extremely hard.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn tries. “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know how I can make it up to you, but I mean it. I’m so, so sorry, Lou.”

Louis hugs Zayn back this time, although there’s still some obvious hesitance there. “I want to believe you, Zayn. I really do. But if you did it once, I’m afraid you’ll eventually remember enough that you’ll decide it was the right decision and you’d do it again.”

Zayn looks at the sides of Louis’ eyes for a moment, searching for something, he’s not sure what. “Louis, please look at me.” Louis turns his face so he’s looking at Zayn, even though he’s obviously having a hard time doing it.

“Now listen, I can’t promise that won’t happen. I can’t predict the future. I mean, I couldn’t even predict that, and that was in the past.” That coaxes a small, sad giggle out of Louis. Zayn will take it. “However, I need you to give me the chance. Give me the chance to try and remember everything, give me the chance to prove to you that I’ll be different this time. I know words are just words, but give me the chance to prove it to you in my actions. Please?”

Louis sniffles for a few more moments, but eventually nods. “…Okay. Okay. I’ll give you the chance.” He finally smiles and brings Zayn back in for a real hug this time. “I love you, Zayn.”

“I love you too, Louis,” Zayn replies, smiling into the hug and silently thanking Allah for letting Louis give him this second chance. He only hopes he won’t mess it up this time.


	2. How to fix up a heart that I let down

That afternoon, all five boys do a group game of FIFA for the first time in forever. Things are still awkward between Zayn and Louis, and Zayn has to stop himself a few times from teasing Louis out of fear it’s still too soon to be making jokes.

Niall, Harry, and Louis don’t stay over that night, having other places to be and such, but by the time they leave Zayn is left feeling on cloud nine.

He carefully walks up behind Liam, who’s busy watching something on the television, and surprises him with a hug. Liam squeals, turning around all at once. “Zayn, you scared me!”

“Sorry, babes,” Zayn chuckles, sitting down next to Liam and putting his arms tighter around him. “I just wanted to say thank you so much for today. I know it couldn’t be easy, having two of your best friends mad at each other, but it means a lot to me that you organized it so Harry and Niall would come over here. If they weren’t here, I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to stand up to Louis. So, thank you, Liam.”

He smiles genuinely, and Liam smiles back. “No problem. I’m sorry you had to find out that way, but I’m glad you’re handling it so well.”

Zayn isn’t sure he is, in fact, handling it so well, because mentally he still feels like he’s going to scream at himself for leaving the band, but he doesn’t say that. Instead, he just sits with Liam and watches the television until they’re both ready to go to bed.

***

A few days later, Zayn decides it’s time for him to go back to his mom’s house. He appreciates everything Liam’s done for him while he was here, but knows that he now needs to be with his family again.

“I understand,” Liam nods when Zayn tells him this. “I’m glad you chose to come here though. It was great to see you again and all.”

“Thank you so much, Liam,” Zayn responds, wrapping his arms around the other boy in a tight hug. “It means a lot that you let me stay here. Without you, I wouldn’t have gotten back all four of my brothers.”

He can feel Liam smiling into the hug. “You’re welcome, Zayn. If you hadn’t come here, I wouldn’t have had all four of my brothers either.”

The two of them just smile at each other for a few moments and then Liam starts helping Zayn pack up his stuff. “So…” Zayn says as they go. “You’re still gonna keep in contact with me when I go back home, right? Like… I don’t think I can go without talking to you boys again.”

He’d understand why if they didn’t of course. Like, he left the band. He’d probably not want to talk to himself again either. He can’t imagine a life without his boys though, in the band or not.

Liam flashes him a ‘how is that even a question?’ face. “Of course I’m gonna keep in contact with you. You’re like my family, yeah? I don’t want to ever lose you again.”

Zayn beams at that, and they keep packing his stuff up in comfortable silence for a bit.

When they’re finished, they share one last hug and promise to call and text each other often again, making sure they still have the correct phone numbers for each other.

Zayn waves goodbye, a sudden happy energy burst coming over him as he walks out the door and runs to where his car has been untouched since he got here. He grabs the keys from his bag and puts them in the ignition.

The two hour drive back to Bradford feels like a two second drive. He’s so happy he finally has his boys back, and he’s so excited to tell his parents and sisters all about it.

***

Of course, things can never stay too happy for long.

One day, Zayn asks permission to start recording music with the boys again, just a little bit, because he misses the thrill of recording music with his boys.

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Harry tells him when he brings this up with them.

“Why?” Zayn questions. “It’s just recording music. You don’t even have to put it on an album or anything.”

“’Fraid I have to agree with Harry on this one,” Liam responds, causing Zayn to turn to him and frown. Really? Liam agrees too? He thought Liam would be on the same page as him, since after listening to all their albums he remembers one of his favorite parts about recording was the two of them’s harmonizing.

Biting his lip, Liam continues. “It’s just, you’ve been gone for a while now, and we’ve all kinda gotten used to our sound as a foursome.”

“Yeah,” Niall agrees. “And who even wants to know how the record people are going to react if they see you in the studio with us again?”

“Or if you say you’re gonna do it one day and then leave out of the blue again,” Louis mutters. Zayn frowns deeply at him for a moment, but Louis’ eyes are on his hands, not Zayn.

After a minute of silence, Zayn just looks back and forth between all of them incredulously. “Come on you guys. It’s not like I’m asking to go on stage with you or something. I just miss recording with you. Is that so wrong?”

The boys sigh, unresponsive. Finally Louis speaks again, slightly louder now. “Honestly Zayn, shouldn’t you just focus on getting your memory back and being with your parents and sisters instead of jumping straight back into recording?”

Zayn turns back to Louis, heart beating fast as he sees Louis still isn’t meeting his gaze. How was his pre-amnesia self able to live with causing this boy so much pain?

“Louis,” Zayn tries. “I understand why you’re all worried, and maybe don’t trust me as much, okay? But like, all I want is to record _one_ song, even just a throwaway track you never plan to look at again after it’s done. Please?”

Zayn’s just about to give up and leave, convinced the other four are never going to come around and he’s just going to have to live a boring music-free life.

Right as he’s about to stand up though, a voice speaks up. “Okay!” Zayn nearly breaks his neck with how fast he turns around, shocked when he realizes the voice was Louis’.

The intensity with which Louis is staring at Zayn right now can only be topped by the intensity with which Zayn’s heart is beating. All he wants to do is kiss Louis just once, but that seems inappropriate to do at this moment in time.

“One song,” Louis says seriously, with a little bit of a glare still on his face, but it’s getting a bit smaller now which Zayn constitutes as a success. “Hope you still remember how to do those riffs, boy.”

Zayn grins widely, starting to practically jump in his seat. He’s making embarrassing squealing noises, but he doesn’t care. He’s so happy. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” he continues squealing, running up and giving Louis a big hug.

Louis finally grins back, which makes Zayn even happier (if that’s possible at this point). For a few moments the two of them just smile at each other, not really hearing anything the other three are saying.

They’re probably complaining about Louis saying yes, but if Zayn remembers anything for sure it’s that Louis is almost always able to persuade them to do what he wants them to do. He just has that power.

Louis’ face turns neutral again eventually, but Zayn just can’t stop being ecstatic. The five of them talk for a little bit longer, and sure enough, Louis is able to turn all the others’ opinions around in mere minutes.

“This is a really bad idea-”

“The record company will go ballistic-”

“We had finally gotten used to singing without him, how are we supposed to re-adjust again-?”

“Lads, lads, lads,” Louis cuts them all off. “Like he said, it’s just one song. What’s the harm in that? He’s not back in the band completely or anything. Just relax.”

“Yeah, but if the record company sees him with us…” Harry starts again.

“Then we’ll tell them exactly what I just said,” Louis continues. “Come on. Don’t you all miss having DJ Malik in the studio?” Zayn blushes at the old nickname.

The other three finally admit defeat and mutter things like “yeah alright fine”. Louis claps his hands and starts to stand up. “Alright, so it’s settled then. I’ll have Niall text you the when and where, yeah?” He extends his hand for Zayn to shake.

Zayn can’t help but be slightly upset at the formality of it, feeling kind of more like a co-worker than a friend. However, his excitement at recording with the boys again overpowers it, so he just shakes Louis’ hand and whispers, “Thank you.”

Louis nods and Zayn keeps beaming as he practically skips out the door.

***

Zayn’s in the studio with the other boys. They’ve been giving him wary looks off and on throughout, which is a bit annoying, but he’s choosing not to say anything about it. He’s too busy being happy singing again.

“This sounds really good,” Niall says after Zayn’s finished putting his vocals on the track and he’s playing it back. Then Niall murmurs, “I kind of don’t wanna let it go…”

“Well, we can’t yet,” Harry responds.

“What do you mean ‘we can’t yet’?” Niall raises an eyebrow. “I thought we were just doing a throwaway track…”

“Well, we should at least give the throwaway track some good production, you know?” Harry shrugs like it’s obvious, like this is how they treat all throwaway tracks. “It deserves a chance to shine.”

“Sounds a bit like a commitment…” Niall mumbles and Zayn is pretty sure only he can hear it. He decides to act like he didn’t.

“Yeah, I agree,” Liam replies. “We should all come back and work on it some more same time tomorrow. Zayn?” Zayn isn’t really sure how to respond, but he nods anyway.

“Great!” Harry claps his hands, talking loudly like it’s settled, ignoring Niall and Louis’ attempts to talk. “Glad we’ve made this official! See you all tomorrow! Byeee!”

On that note, he and Liam practically run out the door before anyone else has any chance to speak. Niall and Louis sigh.

“What are we gonna do with those two?” Niall mutters.

“I’ve stopped trying to figure that out,” Louis responds with a small chuckle. “Well, see you tomorrow I guess.”

“See you tomorrow,” Niall agrees, the two of them walking out of the door slower than Liam and Harry did.

For a moment Zayn just stands there, not sure what to do. So tomorrow they’re all going to meet up again to do… what exactly? Work on production or something? Niall and Louis agreed, but it seemed very reluctant.

Zayn isn’t sure how to react to that, so he doesn’t. Instead he decides to just go home and take a nap so he can clear his head.

***

It’s not “just one more day to work on production”. It starts out as that, but then the boys keep finding reasons to bring Zayn back to the studio. Zayn doesn’t know what to think about that.

He especially doesn’t know what to think about the way Louis agrees to going back to the studio every time, yet still is the one most hesitant to talk to Zayn at all about anything. He doesn’t think he likes it though.

He’s just finished recording some riffs that he’s really proud of for this song called ‘Perfect’ when Louis walks up to him with a… smile on his face? Zayn gulps and prepares for the worst, convinced Louis is just putting that smile on for show or something.

However, as Louis sits down next to Zayn, his smile doesn’t falter. “Do you remember, by any chance, that time we snuck away on the _Take Me Home_ tour to go to the most random skate park when we were in the US? And, like, how the other lads were so worried about us because we didn’t tell them where we were going, but we just laughed in their faces?”

“Rings a bit of a bell.” Zayn shifts in his seat the slightest bit, trying to return Louis’ smile but also still being unsure. “I remember you tried to prank them by saying we had gotten hitched in Vegas or something…”

Louis pauses for a moment and Zayn’s heart starts beating quickly again, afraid he shouldn’t have mentioned that. As soon as it comes though, it’s gone. Louis starts laughing hard, with that gigantic smile that has always been able to give Zayn the biggest butterflies to look at.

“Yeah,” Louis confirms, wiping his eyes from laughing so hard. “Ah man, those were some good times for sure.” He starts leaning in a bit closer to Zayn’s ear and whispers, “What if we were to make some more? More good times, I mean.”

“Wha – what do you mean?” Zayn asks, shivering a bit.

“I mean…” Louis continues. “There’s a skate park not too far from here and Harry, Liam, and Niall are all pre-occupied in the other room.” Zayn studies his face; it’s nothing but mischievous grins, no sign of lying anywhere to be found.

Zayn bites his lip for a moment, but then returns an equally mischievous grin and nods. “Let’s do it.”

“Yes!” Louis whisper-yells. “Partners in Crime return at last!”

And darn it if Louis using their old nickname doesn’t make Zayn just about sprint out the door, Louis following behind him.

At the skate park, the two of them at one point get into a race to see who can get to the top of their respective skating ramps first, and demand rematches every single time.

“You’re not going to win this time,” Louis teases after his third consecutive loss. “It’s not allowed, I have to win at least once.”

“Sure, sure,” Zayn giggles, finding it so cute when Louis talks himself up like that. “We’ll just see about that.” He winks and the two of them start the countdown again, resulting in another win by Zayn.

Eventually Louis really gets tired of losing (even though he has too much pride to admit it out loud, Zayn can just tell he is), so the two of them start skateboarding together on a double ramp instead, each trying to show off by doing the most “wicked” tricks they can think of, but ultimately just stumbling and falling on top of each other more often than not.

It feels great. It feels… normal. It’s the most normal Zayn has felt since he got out of that dumb hospital. For once he doesn’t really feel any underlying sort of guilt or fear that Louis is going to run away or something. He knows he probably shouldn’t feel this way because it could blow up in his face any minute, but doesn’t he deserve a bit of carefreeness? Especially after all he’s been through recently?

Louis, too, deserves this, Zayn thinks. He always looks so scared, so suspicious, and even though Zayn gets why, he just wants him to be able to let his hair down for once and relax.

At one point the two of them both try to do a double jump in the air at the same time, and end up falling and practically squashing each other so hard. Instead of complaining about the pain, they both just start laughing, long and hard.

“We are so good at this,” Louis says. “The Olympics people should call us up so we could be in the skateboarding Olympics.”

“Do those even exist?” Zayn chuckles.

“Well if they don’t, they should, just for us,” Louis replies. Zayn’s heart does a leap at ‘just for us’. _Just for us_ , he repeats in his head, beaming.

“Oh gosh,” Louis cracks up, interrupting Zayn’s daydreaming.

“What?” Zayn raises an eyebrow.

“The others have finally figured out we’re not around,” Louis keeps laughing like that alone is the funniest thing in the world, passing his phone to Zayn so he can read the texts.

**_Niall:_ ** _Where r ya , Louis ? I thought we were going t record some more songs. Zayn seems to have gone home too …_

**_Liam:_ ** _Ugh, where have u gone nowww? I swear, if u went off to bother Simon again or smth…_

**_Harry:_ ** _So, is the recording session officially over for today then? H xx_

The texts themselves aren’t really that funny, but Zayn can’t help cracking up at the mere sight of them. The others seem so lost without Louis. Zayn understands completely.

He hands Louis his phone back. “What should I reply with?” Louis asks.

“Well you could just go with what Liam was saying and tell them you’re bothering Simon again,” Zayn offers.

“Nah,” Louis responds. “That’s too predictable. Give me something good.”

“Hmm…” Zayn thinks for a moment, then whispers something in Louis’ ear.

“Oh my gosh!” Louis nearly yells. “Zayn, have you no boundaries?” He’s not saying it as an insult though, because right afterwards he starts smirking. “I love it.”

Louis types a reply to the boys and he and Zayn wait patiently for their replies.

**_Liam:_ ** _WHAT?_

**_Niall:_ ** _AHA ! LEGEND !_

**_Harry:_ ** _…This is a family show. H_

**_Louis:_ ** _We’re not on stage, Harry._

**_Harry:_ ** _Read 12:19 PM_

Zayn and Louis start cracking up at their replies, nearly falling over with laughter. Louis had texted the boys that he was getting it on with Liam’s mom at the moment and would talk to them later.

“I’m surprised they even fell for that one,” Zayn says. “That’s like the oldest trick in the book.”

Louis shrugs. “Poor little boys. Still naïvely believing that I always tell the truth.”

Zayn keeps laughing, until he notices that Louis’ gone quiet. He stops laughing, turning to look at Louis. He notices Louis is staring at his pants – where Zayn’s hand has landed. It’s such a small thing, Zayn’s hand on his jeans, but Louis is staring at it in awe, like it’s the most unheard of thing in the world.

Zayn isn’t sure what he should do, if he should remove his hand, or keep it there. Suddenly Louis turns to face him, and says quietly, almost inaudible, “I never thought I’d see you again, let alone be able to have you touching me again…”

Zayn opens his mouth to say something, anything. To tell him that he’s sorry, but that today has been amazing and he doesn’t want to give this up again. He wants to keep having days like this with Louis, days where they just mess around with each other, sneaking away and pranking the boys, laughing over the dumbest little things, and not caring what the world thinks because it’s just for them. _Just for us_.

He wants to say that, but before he can will the words to come out, he hears a noise behind him. As he turns around, he notices all too slowly that there are paparazzi snapping pictures of him and Louis.

“Oh gosh,” Louis grumbles quietly.

“Let’s get out of here,” Zayn rushes, he and Louis getting up fast and running as fast as they can back to where the car they came in is parked.

Louis slams the door, barely giving Zayn a chance to buckle before speeding away. “I knew doing this was a bad idea,” Louis says, more to himself than anything.

Zayn’s pretty sure his heart skips several beats when he hears that. He sighs and looks out the window, trying not to cry as he realizes Louis isn’t paying any attention to him anymore.

***

Three days later, as Zayn’s in the studio with Liam and Louis, he notices a demo he’s never seen before. One for a song called “A.M.”. Curious, he calls Liam over.

“Liam, what is this?” he asks.

“Hmm?” Liam hums, walking over to see what Zayn’s talking about. “Oh, that’s a song me and the other lads wrote for the album before you, uh… got out of the hospital.”

“Cool,” Zayn grins, intrigued more and more by the second. “Am I allowed to listen to it?”

Liam has a split second where he looks a bit wary, but then he just shrugs. “Sure, why not?”

Zayn puts on his headphones and presses play, immediately met with the sound of Harry’s voice.

_Won’t you stay till the A.M.? All my favorite conversations always made in the A.M. Yeah, yeah._

As Zayn’s listening, a few lyrics stick out to him – dreaming out loud, got these scars on the same ground, etc. – and he almost finds his jaw dropping at how well written the song is. He knew the boys were talented, but…wow.

When the song ends, Zayn takes off his headphones and turns toward Liam, eyes and mouth wide.

“Wow,” he says, still trying to digest the masterpiece he just listened to. “That was amazing. When did you get so good at writing?”

Liam blushes. “Well it wasn’t just me who wrote on it.”

“Still. When did the four of you get so good at writing?”

Liam giggles. “Well, I think we’ve all found that like, the best writing comes from the most personal experiences or events, you know?”

Zayn nods. He can definitely understand that. He’s the same way with his art; he feels like his best graffiti comes from whenever he’s feeling a certain emotion strongly.

“So what was the writing process for that song like?” he asks.

“What?”

“The writing process,” Zayn repeats. “For A.M. What inspired the song, what was it like to write it, all that stuff?”

Liam thinks for a moment. Zayn loves that sparkle in his eyes; the one Liam always gets when he’s about to talk about something important to him.

“Well,” Liam starts. “It was actually Louis’ idea at the start, I think. He came to me one night when me, Julian, and Wayne Hector were in the studio, and he was like ‘Liam mate, I was in the shower and I thought of this line we should put in a song’.

“He sang the ‘you and me were raised in the same part of town, got these scars on the same ground’ line and we all instantly loved it.” Liam’s smiling, but soon his face falls flat. “A few weeks later, he said that he had been crying in the middle of the night. That’s when he said we should make the song into something about-”

“Well, isn’t this a lovely story?” Zayn and Liam turn around to see Louis smiling in that way he always does when he knows people have been talking behind his back. “Tell me Payno, why exactly are you telling Zayn about me crying?”

“He wanted to know what the writing process for the song was like, so I-”

“And since when do we just go around telling just everybody about the meanings behind our emotional songs?” He crosses his arms over his chest, still smiling even though there’s no real happiness in it at all.

“Zayn isn’t just everybody,” Liam responds, a bit of a push in his voice this time.

At that, Louis drops his fake smile. His jaw starts quivering. His face is a little hard to read, but Zayn thinks he sees tears forming in his eyes.

“Right,” Louis mutters softly, nodding. At that, he abruptly turns around and walks out of the room, not looking back as he slams the door. The two remaining boys are able to still hear when he starts crying, even though it’s obvious he doesn’t want them to.

Liam sighs. He turns to Zayn. “Uh… Right. I guess I’m gonna go after him. I’ll see you soon I guess?”

Zayn nods, trying to digest what the heck just happened. “Right. Talk to you later Liam.”

After Liam walks away, Zayn spends a few minutes just staring at the door, not really sure what to do. Biting his lip, he decides to do what’s probably the dumbest idea in the world: listening in on Liam and Louis’ conversation.

Carefully, he tiptoes over to the door and puts his ear up against the door. It’s hard to make out at first, but he eventually starts being able to make out words of theirs.

“Honestly what do you want him to do, Louis?” Liam asks. “He’s been nothing but nice to you. To all of us.”

“I want him to have never left in the first place, Liam,” Louis replies through his tears. Gosh, Zayn wishes he could just go in there and give him a hug. Although that would probably make the situation worse instead of better.

Liam scoffs. “Mate, you’re being ridiculous. Zayn can’t change the past. And in my opinion, he’s more than proven by now that if he _could_ , he would.” Liam laughs humorlessly. “What more do you want him to do, Louis? What else can he do to prove to us he loves us?”

“I don’t know!” Louis yells, then sniffles and quiets down again. “I don’t know. I’m just tired of people leaving me out of nowhere and only ‘liking’ me again when I have something that’s beneficial to them…”

Zayn can’t listen to this anymore. Slowly, he removes his ear from the door and gets up, tiptoeing as fast as he can outside to go to his car. When he gets in there, he just kind of sits there, replaying what he heard in his head.

Does Louis really think that Zayn only likes him because he wants to get something from him? Zayn guesses he can understand, though, why he feels this way. Zayn remembers when Louis first told him and the other boys about his biological dad leaving when he was only one year old…

As Zayn cries himself to sleep that night, he puts the pieces together. That song – A.M. – is about him. He and Louis were both raised in the same part of town – Yorkshire. He and Louis both used to kick around just wasting time.

He silently wonders what he can do to convince Louis that he’s nothing like what Louis’ afraid of. That he _will_ stay till the A.M. He _wants_ to stay till the A.M., and till the P.M., every single day.

***

Zayn doesn’t go to the studio the next day, telling Liam that he just needs a few moments to breathe. Liam doesn’t ask for anything more than that, which Zayn is grateful for.

After a few hours of napping and making a few graffiti things here and there, he decides he’s bored and wants to look through his room, see if he can find any hints of what his life was like before the amnesia, aside from what the boys and his family have already told him.

He finds a sketchbook with the year “2014” written on the inside and starts looking through it. He looks at one particular drawing and chuckles as he remembers the story. He’d drawn a picture of a cat, except with human anatomy.

He remembers he drew it after Harry texted him and the other lads, screaming about how he accidentally favorited a picture of a camgirl’s coochie on Twitter. Zayn remembers laughing so hard at that because wow, what a mistake to make. To “fix” the situation, Harry had then favorited a bunch of pictures of kittens and puppies.

Pretty ridiculous thing to draw, Zayn thinks as he looks at it again, but at the time he had thought it was the funniest thing in the world. He keeps turning the pages, looking through each drawing. He doesn’t remember the story behind every single one, but then, he reminds himself, not every drawing _has_ a story. Some things he just draws to draw.

He also comes across a few song lyrics in the book, recognizing a lot of them as lyrics he’d written for the fourth album. A lot of them never made it on the album, and Zayn kind of feels sad about that, but he tries not to let it get to him. There were probably good reasons…

His thought process is interrupted when he flips the page and comes across one thing in particular. One song in particular. At the top it says “I Won’t Mind” in big letters, and there are lyrics all up and down the page. His breath almost catches as he reads one specific part of the song, memories coming back to him.

_We messed around until we found,_

_The one thing we said we could never ever,_

_Live without, I'm not allowed to talk about it,_

_But I gotta tell you..._

“The one thing we could never live without,” Zayn whispers to himself. He remembers writing that line, remembers the inspiration behind it.

Louis. Louis is the one thing he could never live without. _Can_ never live without. Suddenly he starts sniffling, remembering once again what Louis said to Liam last night.

He tries his best to put those thoughts aside, but they won’t stop. Especially when he reads the lines that say ‘even though I know you’ll never be mine’ over and over again…

Eventually he notices something though; the song’s not finished. It doesn’t have a third verse or anything. Biting his lip, Zayn carefully tears the song out of the notebook – making sure there’s nothing on the other side of it first – and takes it back over to his bed.

He spends a long time writing and erasing and writing again, trying to come up with the perfect flow and such. When he finally feels satisfied with it, he puts it on his bedside table and goes downstairs to get something to eat for dinner.

***

Zayn comes back to the studio again the next few days, but he waits until all five of them are in the studio together instead of just three or four before he says anything.

Finally, all five of them are there together at last, and Zayn leads them over to a couch in the recording room so they can sit.

“Zayn, what’s going on?” Niall questions. “Why did we have to stop? I was really feeling that last song.”

“Don’t worry,” Zayn assures him with a smile. “I’ll be quick.” He’s sweating so much right now, silently hoping his nervousness isn’t noticeable. “Alright. So I was in my room a few days ago and I found this song in one of my old sketchbooks, that I had started and never finished.

“I decided though, that it was too important to remain un-finished, so I decided to go back to it.” He’s not making eye contact with them right now, too scared to look anywhere except the paper. “I hope you guys like it.”

He clears his throat and starts singing, _“Don’t look around ’cause love is blind, and darling right now I can’t see you.”_

As he’s singing, he can hear his breath shaking and really hopes the boys don’t pick up on it. Now he feels like he understands how Louis felt finding out that Zayn had listened to A.M., because singing a song when the person it’s about is mere feet away is scary as heck, and he hopes Louis doesn’t realize it’s about him but he hopes he does at the same time.

When he finishes singing, he doesn’t look up at first, keeping his eyes on the paper. However, then he hears some claps and looks up to see the other boys – all of them – applauding him. Heart beating fast, he feels like he’s walking on air with how much happiness this moment alone gives him.

“I have a question,” Louis says after a moment, voice shaking slightly. Zayn just nods, not trusting his voice to speak yet. “That line at the end… ‘I need you to know I want to stay until the early morning with you’.” He pauses, and Zayn isn’t sure if he’s supposed to respond to that statement alone or not.

Then, through tears and small sniffles that Zayn isn’t sure are happy or sad, Louis speaks again. “Zayn, is this song about me?”

All eyes are on the two of them, and Zayn thinks he can see a slight smirk forming on Liam’s face through his peripherals, but all his focus is on Louis right now. He finds it a bit hard to breathe, like the walls are closing in on him and trapping him here, but also like he’s okay with it because if he’s trapped, at least he has Louis looking back at him with something other than disgust.

“…Yes,” Zayn barely gets out, almost wanting to laugh at how fragile he sounds. He can’t stop watching Louis’ face. Louis is now sniffling even more, but Zayn can tell for sure now that his face is happy, not sad.

“Oh come here you old softie.” Louis replies all at once, but doesn’t give Zayn a chance to move because he’s the one to run up and hug him instead. As Zayn melts into the hug, he can see Harry and Liam smiling.

“Finally,” he hears Niall mutter. “Took them long enough.” Harry shoves Niall lightly and Zayn giggles.

Life couldn’t be any better than it is at this moment, Zayn thinks to himself, deciding he’s not going to let go until Louis does. He’s finally got his four best friends back, and he really, _really_ hopes he won’t lose a single one of them again.

***

The next time they see each other isn’t in the recording studio for once. It’s in Liam’s house. Louis had said he felt sad he wasn’t a part of the original sleepover/get-together the other four had around the time Zayn first got out of the hospital, and that they should have another one with him in it. No one objected to that.

It goes exactly the way you’d expect it to go – Liam making everyone breakfast for dinner, all of them playing a group round of FIFA, talking about everything and nothing at all, Harry making puns that the others make fun of him for, and ending the night with group cuddles.

Technically Liam’s bed probably shouldn’t be big enough to hold five people at once, but has that ever stopped them before? Nah.

“Yolo,” Louis had said as they all plopped on the bed that night, cuddling each other and giggling.

The next morning, after untangling themselves from each other and stuff, they all go over to the kitchen table, waiting for Liam to make his special pancakes.

“So Zayn,” Harry draws out, a bit of a smirk on his face. Zayn looks up from the book he brought with him, bookmarking his place. “Me and the other lads were talking.”

“Uh, okay?” Zayn questions, not really sure where this is going.

“And you know,” Niall starts now. “We sure do have a heck of a lot of those ‘throwaway’ tracks we’ve all recorded together in the studio now…”

“Yeah,” Liam chimes in from the stove. “And it would sure be a shame if all of these fully mastered ‘throwaway’ tracks were to go to waste…”

Zayn’s heart is beating quickly and he’s really trying not to get his hopes up too high, but then…

“Zayn,” Louis says a bit softly, also smirking and possibly causing Zayn’s pants to go tighter with that look. “Do you want to be a member of One Direction again?”

He tries to stop himself from screaming, but darn it, he can’t. He squeals and yells loudly, “YES!”

The other boys are covering their ears and laughing, but also seem to be sharing his enthusiasm.

“Good,” Liam tells him. “It’s not really One Direction without you, Zayn.” The others hum their agreement and Zayn beams, pretty sure his cheeks are darker than the red tablecloth in front of him.

“So, now that that’s decided,” Harry announces, running over to the stove. “I call the first two pancakes!”

***

A ton of headaches over millions of signed paperwork later, life is amazing. Zayn’s finally a member of One Direction again, Louis seems more comfortable around him again, and the boys have started talking about bringing him back for a few shows soon.

“The break ends in a few weeks,” Niall had explained three days ago after Zayn signed the last of the paperwork. “Think you can learn all the songs in that time?”

Zayn had chuckled.  “You underestimate me, Niall.”

And right now all of the boys are doing just that; rehearsing one of the newest additions to the set list, “Ready to Run”.

“You know,” Zayn says at one point, when they’re pausing to get some water. “This isn’t like what I remember at all. I thought we always waited until the last second to rehearse or something.”

“Yeah,” Louis agrees, playing with the bag on his shoulder. “But you left and came back, so I guess the lads want to rehearse more than before to help you get back in the swing of things.”

Zayn can’t help but notice how Louis says ‘the lads’, like he himself doesn’t want to be here rehearsing.

“Yeah, well,” Zayn yawns. “I know they mean well and all, but I’m so _bored_ right now.” After saying that, he feels like he has to immediately defend himself so Louis doesn’t get the wrong idea. “Not because the songs are bad or anything. It’s just, there’s only so much rehearsal I can take before I need to rest, yeah?”

Louis hums, looking deep in thought. Zayn’s about to ask what’s up before Louis turns to him and smirks. “Wanna go smoke up at a nearby park?”

“It’s like you read my mind,” Zayn giggles, and then they’re off.

They walk out the door, trying to be sneaky so none of the other boys or their crew can see them. Once they’re positive they’re out of sight, they start running to the park, Louis already having the weed in his bag.

When they sit down on one of the park’s benches, they start cracking up again.

“I swear,” Louis tells Zayn, getting a joint out of his bag. “That feeling never grows old. No matter how many times we sneak away from the others, the adrenaline rush never subsides.”

After taking a smoke, he passes the joint to Zayn, who nods in agreement.

“It’s definitely one of the things I’ve missed the most from my memories,” Zayn responds, smiling and staring at Louis as he passes the joint back to him.

 _Wow_ , Zayn thinks. Louis’ eyes are so gorgeous. He tries to look away but he can’t. His eyes are so beautiful, so hypnotizing, and look like they have the entire world inside them. Except that’s not possible because Louis _is_ the entire world. Zayn’s not sure if he’s losing his touch and is already high after one smoke or if he just loves Louis a lot. It’s probably the second one.

His thoughts are interrupted by Louis blowing smoke in his face all of a sudden and smirking as Zayn is taken aback by it. “What are you staring at, Malik? I mean I know I’m hot and all but come on.” He blinks his eyes quickly as a joke, but that doesn’t stop Zayn from mentally sighing anyway.

Out loud, Zayn just chuckles though. “Actually, I was staring at that ugly zit. Might wanna get that checked out.”

“I don’t have a zit!” Louis objects.

“Yes you do. Right…” Zayn responds, putting his finger on Louis’ cheek and then trailing down to his shoulder. “…there!” Louis looks like he’s about to say something else, but then Zayn starts tickling both of his shoulders all at once.

Louis instantly turns into a laughing mess. That’s one of Zayn’s favorite things about Louis; so many people see him as like this big tough guy not to be messed with, but he’s also the second most ticklish person Zayn knows.

The first most ticklish person Zayn knows, of course, is…

“Zayn, you really wanna do this?” Louis tests, trying to sound tough through giggles. “Fine, let’s go.” He sets the joint aside and starts tickle attacking Zayn right back.

“No!” Zayn cries out as the two of them end up falling off the bench from tickling each other so hard. It’s true, Zayn may start the tickle fights more often than not, but he always knows it’s a fight he’s going to lose because he is probably the most ticklish person in the world. No, the universe.

Louis knows this all too well, and before too long he’s tickling Zayn so hard that Zayn can’t even reach Louis’ shoulders to tickle back anymore.

The two of them just sort of roll around in the grass like that for a while, tickling each other back and forth like they’re six year old kids instead of men in their 20s. Finally, when they’re both too exhausted and out of breath to keep going, they just lay in the grass for a bit and share giggles with each other at how far they rolled away from the bench.

Of course that would be the moment Zayn would get a call on his cell phone. They both share an eye roll and a sigh before Zayn picks it up.

“Hello?”

His call is from Harry. “Really Zayn? You just got back in the band and already you’re skipping out on rehearsals?”

“What’s the problem, Harry?” Zayn asks honestly. “I thought you were supposed to be the chill one or whatever. Besides, Louis skipped out with me.”

Harry’s voice drops a little bit, almost like he’s scared of anyone hearing him. “I’m just worried about you, Zayn. The label isn’t as understanding as we are and they’re already really annoyed with you for quitting and then coming back. I mean I don’t understand why personally, it’s not like they don’t have enough money to cover all the paperwork and merch and stuff, but…”

“Harry, what are you on about?” Zayn responds. “It’s all good, yeah? I’m back in the band and that’s what matters. Besides, me and Louis used to do this stuff all the time. I remember.”

“Yeah, but this time is different, Zayn.” There’s a panic in Harry’s voice that Zayn really doesn’t like. “I’ve heard some of the execs talking and stuff and I’m really worried. I don’t want you to get fired just after getting back.”

Zayn wants to laugh off what Harry’s saying, tell him he’s overreacting and there’s nothing to worry about, but the fact that Harry sounds so worried, so afraid, makes Zayn realize that maybe this actually is a real possibility he hadn’t considered; the people in charge _could_ very well be mad and not like Zayn being in again after leaving so abruptly.

He doesn’t want to get fired. He doesn’t want to be forced to leave these boys again. So he sighs and tells Harry, “Alright, fine. Me and Louis will go back. See you guys soon.”

“See you soon, Zayn.” Harry responds, sounding much more relieved now.

Zayn ends the call and turns to Louis, whose face is a look of concern now. Zayn frowns. “That was Harry. He says that he’s heard the record execs talking, that they’re not very happy with all the paperwork I’ve caused them in the past few months or whatever. He says that, like, if I’m not careful and keep doing stuff like this, I could get fired.”

He half-expects Louis to reply with something like “that’s bogus” or “Harry’s just talking out of his a*** again” but instead he just nods sadly. “I know. Well, I mean, I didn’t _know_ , but I figured that’s probably what was going through their heads, based on how annoyed they seemed at the last meeting.”

He laughs sadly. “I’m sorry Zayn. It was a dumb idea of me to help you sneak out here and stuff.”

“Are you kidding me?” Zayn nearly yells, shaking his head. “Don’t apologize for this. This is the most fun I’ve had since… Well, since the last time we snuck out to the skate part.”

That gets a laugh out of Louis. “That wasn’t even that long ago.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Zayn teases, pushing him lightly. “But the point is, this was a lot of fun. I always love spending time with you, Lou.”

He’s afraid for a second that that came out a tad too honest, but then Louis’ smiling at him again. “I love spending time with you too.” He reaches over and hugs Zayn. “Now come on, let’s get back to the annoying rehearsals.”

So they do. And somehow, Zayn doesn’t feel as bored the rest of the day. All he has to do is remember the tickle fight he and Louis had just hours before and he smiles while he’s singing.

***

Zayn has been doing good. He’s been going to meetings and rehearsals on time, has responded back immediately to the managers’ emails even when he felt like procrastinating, and – to everyone’s shock – has even been taking less naps as well.

However, his mom isn’t so sure.

“I don’t like the fact that they’re throwing you into so much work so soon after getting out of the hospital.” She tells him one day.

“Mum,” he grumbles. “It’s been over a month now. Besides, I _like_ doing all of this. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have spent so long trying to get them to trust me again. Now they do, and I don’t wanna lose that again. They’re my brothers.”

“Hmm…” Trisha thinks. “I still feel like I should go to rehearsals with you one day.”

Zayn scoffs. “Alright, if you wanna be bored to tears while we do the same things over and over again…”

Zayn knows he’s probably being unfair; his mom is just doing this because she honestly cares, and he loves her for that, but it’s really not necessary in this situation.

“I just worry about you,” she says softly, concern obvious in her voice. He feels bad as he turns around and sees her with a small frown forming. “I know I may overreact at times, but I just get worried, you know?”

He sighs. “I know, Mum.” He pauses for a moment, thinking. He knows it’s probably a bad idea, but he’s sure he’s probably invited his mom to 1D stuff before now. He can’t remember anything specifically right now, but he has to have, right? His mom is the most important person in his life.

“Alright, fine,” he gives in. “Our next rehearsal is tomorrow at noon. Does that work with you?”

“Yes!” she responds, slightly catching Zayn off guard with how excited she seems. In a good way though. “I’ll see you tomorrow honey.” She gives him a big kiss on the cheek and a hug.

He hugs her back. “I love you, Mum.”

“I love you too, Zayn.”

They smile at each other and after she leaves, he makes sure to text the other boys and their team, so they’re not completely caught off guard. He’s honestly surprised (in a good way) when their team basically says that’s a great idea.

***

When Zayn and his mom arrive at the rehearsal, she immediately heads over to the other boys, who are eyeing her slightly warily. Zayn follows swiftly behind, hoping she doesn't try to make a scene or anything.

"Hey boys," she greets them kindly.

They all respond with a chorus of "hi Trisha"s and "good to see you"s.

"It's good to see you all too." She tells them, giving each of them a hug.

"Not that it's not always nice to see you," Harry starts. "But is there any reason you’re here?"

Trisha's face turns slightly sad. Zayn tries to step in before she can say anything. “Come on Harry, I’ve invited my mum to our rehearsals and stuff tons of times before.”

“I know,” Harry responds softer, sounding a combination of defensive and apologetic for even saying anything. “I was just wondering, is all.”

“Well,” Trisha replies. “I’ve been a bit worried about Zayn is all.” Zayn doesn’t mean to, but he grumbles slightly. “Oh come on, love. Is it wrong of me to worry? You are my son after all.”

“What are you worried about?” Niall questions. “I promise we’re taking good care of him.”

She smiles sadly. “I’m sure you are. I’m just worried about Zayn throwing himself into so much so soon after leaving the hospital.”

“It’s been a month.” Zayn hears Louis mutter beside him. He tries to give him a ‘that’s what I said’ look.

“Okay lads,” one of their team members calls. “Let’s start rehearsing!”

“Well,” Louis claps his hands. “Looks like we gotta get started. Talk to you later, Trisha…”

“Later, Mum.” Zayn echoes without even really looking at her, too worried that Louis might be mad he brought her.

“Really great to see you again,” he hears Harry reassure her, forever the charmer.

Before they get started, Zayn chances another look at his mom. She looks a bit sad that he just left her like that. He feels sorry for doing it, but they had to start rehearsals and he was feeling a bit awkward. He sighs, hoping she understands, and listens to what their manager tells them to do.

They do a few vocal warm-ups first, before the manager tells them, “Alright. Let’s start from the top of the setlist now. Clouds.”

Zayn really doesn’t think it’s necessary to say the name of the songs, when they pretty much all have the setlist memorized by this point, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead he just waits for his line and sings as best he can. _“Someday, you’re gonna see the things that I see. You’re gonna want the air that I breathe. You’re gonna wish you never left me.”_

 _Kind of a weird line when you think about it_ , Zayn muses to himself while they all belt out the chorus. ‘You’re gonna want the air that I breathe’ sounds a bit more like a murder threat than a song celebrating another year with the fans (which is what Julian told him it was about).

When they’re done over an hour later, Zayn walks back over to his mom, not sure how to digest her reaction. After walking over to her though, she immediately brightens up and hugs him.

“Oh honey,” she says, not a hint of anger or concern left in her voice from the sound of it. “I’m so sorry for doubting you.”

He bites his lip, slightly pulling away (but not enough to break the hug). “Yeah, I’m sorry for like, being short with you, but you were kind of hovering and not really letting me breathe.”

She frowns, looking guilty as she cups her hands around his face and brings him in for a cheek kiss. “I know. I overreacted, and I’m really sorry. You were right.”

At that moment, Zayn can feel the rest of the boys walk up behind him, but he keeps his full attention on what his mom is saying. “I can tell that you are definitely in good hands Zayn. And if this is what you want to do, then I’m so happy for you.”

Just then, he feels two arms wrap around him. He looks to his sides to see Louis and Liam holding him, Niall and Harry holding their sides. Zayn smiles, feeling the warmth and love times a thousand.

“Oh come on!” Niall says, cheeks red. “Trisha, get in here! Let’s do a group hug!” Giggling, Trisha obliges, getting buried in the middle of the five boys’ bodies. If Zayn could box up a moment in his life and keep it forever, it would be this right here. He doesn’t see how things could get any better than this.

***

Evidently, the universe has decided that Zayn has had enough positivity in his life and is due for some negativity.

It happens when the boys are doing a late night recording session. They’re in the middle of recording a song that Zayn thinks is probably one of his favorites so far, when they’re interrupted by his phone ringing to his mom’s ringtone.

He signals to the others to pause for a moment, and they give him a thumbs up. He brings the phone up to his ear. “Hey mum. What’s going on? We’re in the middle of recording a sick song right now. I think you’re going to love it.”

“I’m sure I will,” she responds, panic obvious in her voice. Zayn starts panicking too, silently hoping everything is alright. “But Zayn, you need to come to the hospital right now. Doniya was in a car accident.”

Zayn feels his heart sink. “A car accident? What? Are you sure?”

“Yes!” she tells him. “I don’t know all the details yet, but her boyfriend called just now and said she was in a car accident. Please come to the hospital.”

“Alright, alright,” he replies, heart beating faster by the second. All the possibilities keep running through his head. Is she alright? Is she injured? Does she have to get a surgery? He’s so worried, and the fact that they don’t know anything about what happened yet is making it worse.

He’s scared, and it only increases when he remembers that his mom has had to go through this not once but twice - with Zayn being in the hospital and her not knowing what to do - within the span of a month.

“I’ll be there,” he mumbles, ending the call before anything else can be said. He turns to the rest of the boys. “My sister Doniya got into a car accident. We… we don’t know how or if she’s okay or anything yet, but…” he pauses, trying to take deep breaths and failing. “I-I gotta go. I’m sorry.”

“Dude,” Niall tells him, just staring. “Your sister got into a car accident. Never apologize for having to leave because of something like that.”

“Yeah,” Liam agrees, walking over to give him a hug. “I hope she’s okay.”

The others make sounds of agreement, walking over to give Zayn a quick group hug. He appreciates the sentiment, but he feels like he’s walking on broken glass right now. He needs to get out of here, he needs to get to his mom and sister.

“Thanks guys,” Zayn barely gets out, suddenly feeling like the room is caving in on him. He has to get out of here. He has to know Doniya is okay. “I… Hopefully I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

The boys reply with a chorus of “bye”s, concern written all over their faces. He appreciates their concern. Before driving to the hospital, he says a silent prayer to Allah that Doniya will be alright.

When he gets to the hospital, he sees his mom and Doniya sitting on chairs in the waiting room.

“Zayn,” Trisha greets calmly, like her daughter wasn’t just in a car accident and everything’s normal. “I’m so sorry for taking you away from your rehearsals dear. Doniya is actually-”

“F*** you mean ‘sorry for taking me away from my rehearsals’?” Zayn questions. “My sister was in a f***ing car accident.” He rushes over to sit in a chair next to Doniya, looking to make sure there aren’t any severe injuries.

“Zayn,” she says, that same annoying calmness in her voice. “I’m actually okay. I don’t need to get any surgeries, or take any medication, or anything like that. They actually just finished examining me and I’m okay to go home. I’ve just got a minor bruise on my-”

“You’re bruised!” he interrupts, gasping as he looks at her leg. It’s obviously hurt, probably needs a few weeks of care before it can get better. “Oh no! Doniya I am so, so sorry. I’m going to stay with you for the next few weeks so that I can do whatever I can to help you get better.”

“Zayn, are you even listening to me? I’m okay. I really don’t need any help.”

“You’re bruised though! And you were just in a car accident!” he insists. “Of course you need help with recovering and healing and all that stuff.”

Trisha sighs, walking over to him and putting her hands on his shoulders. “Zayn, if you really insist on staying with Doniya, how about you go to your own house and get some of your stuff first, hm? Maybe by the time you’re ready to go to our house, you’ll have changed your mind.”

“Of course!” He jumps up suddenly. “That’s a great idea. I’ll go get my stuff and then meet you guys back at the house. Be sure to take care of her while I’m gone.” He kisses her cheek and, without another word, runs out to his car.

He drives to his other house, gets his teddy bear and some other stuff he needs in order to get by in his day to day life, then is back at his mom’s home in about an hour.

Doniya has apparently gone to sleep by that time, so he decides to take his blanket, pillow, and teddy bear, and go sleep on the floor next to her in her room. He hopes that he’ll be able to help her feel better soon, to offer her a shoulder to cry on if she needs one. As he goes to sleep, he takes deep breaths, reminding himself that it’s all going to be okay.

***

Okay, so maybe Zayn overreacted a little bit. Maybe he overreacted a lot. However, the fact remains that he’s still not leaving his mom and sisters’ house.

About two nights after the accident happened, he realized that he really shouldn’t have panicked like he did. Doniya was, and is, fine.

However, he’s too ashamed to admit that out loud. He’s too ashamed to call the boys up and tell them that he overreacted and Doniya is okay. He knows in the back of his mind that not talking to them will only make things worse, but his anxiety outweighs logic, as usual.

“Honey?” his mom asks, walking into the room that used to be the guest room but now is his room. “Are you sure you’re okay? You haven’t come out of your room all week, except to eat meals…”

“I’m fine, Mum,” he insists, even though he doesn’t believe himself. He sighs. “Can you just leave me alone for now? I’m in the middle of something.”

Another lie, and he’s sure they both know it, but his mom just exhales. “Alright. I’m making samosas though. They should be done in about an hour.”

“Thanks.” He nods as she walks out the door, deep frown still on her face.

After a few more moments of just lying in bed, staring at the blank walls with anger because he’s not allowed to spray paint them since it’s his mom’s house, he hears his phone ring.

“Hello?”

He doesn’t look at who’s calling as he picks it up, because at this point he’s just happy to hear from anyone outside of his sisters and parents. He realizes not looking at who’s calling is a mistake once the other person replies though.

“Zayn.” It’s Louis. Oh gosh. Zayn’s heart starts beating faster. He’s not sure if he’s nervous because he’s afraid of getting asked questions about why he hasn’t come back yet, or if he’s nervous because it’s Louis. Possibly both.

“Uh… Hi, Louis,” he tries, sweat building on his forehead. _Yeah_ , Zayn thinks. _Definitely both_. “How’s it going?”

“Oh, it’s going alright I suppose…” Louis sounds too formal. He usually only sounds that formal when he’s angry with you and doesn’t want to sound like it. Zayn gulps. “We all recently called Trisha…”

“Oh, you did huh?” Zayn curses in his head. Why doesn’t his mom ever tell him anything?

“Yes, we did. You know what she said, Zayn?” Zayn doesn’t get a chance to respond before Louis continues, his voice getting stronger and harsher with each word. “She said that Doniya is fine, more than fine in fact, and hasn’t sustained any injuries whatsoever.”

“Lou-”

“So, my question is…” he clears his throat, then yells all at once, “ _Why the heck are you still there? Why aren’t you here with us, practicing and recording?_ ”

“Louis, you don’t understand. I overreacted and thought she needed more help than she did, but then I stayed anyway because-”

Louis’ unamused chuckling interrupts him. “Because you realized you didn’t want to come back after all, I take it?”

“No, that’s not it! That’s not what I mean at all-”

“ _I never should’ve trusted you!_ ” Louis practically screams in his ear. Zayn can feel his heart breaking, cut into pieces by the knife that is Louis’ words. “You don’t want to be with us! You don’t actually care about us, about your fans, about any of that. No, all you care about is yourself! And I was dumb enough to believe that fact had changed.”

Zayn starts getting tears in his eyes, close to crying as he barely finds the energy to get out, “Louis, please. Listen to me-”

“No, _you_ listen to _me_ , you traitor! You’re sick. Beyond sick actually. You convinced me that you’d changed, wrote that song as a way of trying to win my trust back or whatever, and now you’ve gone and used your sister’s health as an excuse to get out of the band again!”

Zayn’s practically sobbing. He can’t believe that Louis, the one he loves more than pretty much anyone else in the world, thinks he’s a traitor. He thinks he’d use Doniya’s accident as an excuse to leave.

He wants to scream at Louis, to tell him that’s not true at all. To tell him that he was wrong for not telling the boys sooner, but he didn’t know how. He was too nervous, too ashamed, too afraid. But he can’t say any of that, because when he tries to speak again his words are distorted by crying.

“Please,” he attempts to say anyway. “Please.”

“And now you’re trying to make me change my mind by ‘crying’.” Louis chuckles half-heartedly. “Well, as far as I’m concerned, you can cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. You’ve caused us all so much more stress than necessary, so much more paperwork than necessary, and so much more wasted trust than necessary.

“I hope when you go to sleep tonight, you feel like the worst human being ever. Because that’s what you are. Goodbye Zayn. Don’t even attempt to call back either.”

All Zayn hears next is the ‘beep’ that signals the end of a call. He stares at his phone for a minute, then throws it on the floor and lets it all out, crying into his pillow.

His mom walks into the room a few minutes later, but he’s no longer in the mood for samosas. He’s no longer in the mood for anything other than staying in this bed and crying.

He can’t believe it. He thought this was his one chance to fix things, to make things right between him and Louis. But no, he had to mess it all up… again.

All he had to do was tell them that Doniya was feeling better and that he’d be back soon, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that. He couldn’t bring himself to admit he was wrong, he overreacted, and he’s sorry…

And wouldn’t you know it? Louis ends up being right. Zayn _does_ go to bed feeling like the worst human being ever. He has no idea what he’s going to do, if anything is even worth the effort now that he’s messed up the friendship that was most important to him.

As he closes his eyes, trying his best to stop the tears and sniffles, he tries to think about happy things to take his mind off of things, but he can’t. Because it seems all his most happy memories have Louis in them…

***

Niall, Liam, and Harry have been calling and texting him, but Zayn keeps his phone on silent. He doesn’t want to talk to them, doesn’t want to talk to anyone unless it’s Louis (or his parents or sisters).

He still can’t believe he - once again - messed up everything with the guy he loves more than anyone else in the world (other than his family of course). He betrayed Louis’ trust, and all over what? Something that could have been solved by him just sending a simple “hello, my sister’s okay and I’ll be back soon”.

Feeling like he’s got nothing left to lose, and wanting to get so drunk out of his mind he can’t breathe properly, Zayn heads to a nearby club, cigarettes and lighter in his pocket just in case he decides alcohol on its own isn’t enough.

He spends the first several minutes drinking shot after shot of vodka, chatting up some people. Soon he realizes he has no interest in talking to anyone, and he definitely doesn’t find any of the people here attractive enough to have sex with in the bathroom, so he heads to the dance floor and just loses himself for a bit.

When he decides he’s also sick of hearing Jason Derulo sing “Talk Dirty” for the 800th time, he decides to just head outside and have a few cigarettes. He’s always loved sitting outside of clubs, loves the instant difference between all the flashing lights and jumping and dancing and loud music, to the peaceful sound and feel of nature.

He takes a drag off his cigarette and watches as the smoke floats away towards the stars in the night sky, smiling at the sight. He’s just about to do it again when he sees a familiar face sitting in front of him, staring and laughing at something funny on their phone. They look familiar.

“Uh… do I know you?” Zayn asks. He immediately regrets that decision though, because when the person looks up they look a mix of angry and shocked.

“You… You’re here,” the person says, sounding not very pleased with that statement.

“…Yeah?” Zayn questions, feeling a bit too drunk for this person even though he only had a few drinks when he was inside. “Do you want a fan picture or something? If so you’ll have to come closer into the light so I can see you.”

The person starts coming closer, even though they don’t look like they’re coming in for a pic. As they get closer to the light though, Zayn realizes he recognizes them. Him. That memory – the one of the guy laughing in his face before he blacked out and got sent to the hospital.

“It’s you,” Zayn gasps, stepping back. “Shahid. You’re the one who gave me that pill at the party and gave me amnesia.” Suddenly Zayn thinks he needs to get out of here; he needs to at least go back inside, where there are more people around, so if things get ugly, there will be witnesses.

“Yes,” Shahid confirms, slowly walking closer and closer.

“Why did you do that?” Zayn demands, feeling like the outside air is filling his lungs with some chemical stronger and more dangerous than nicotine and alcohol combined. “We were friends, best friends.”

It’s all coming back to him now – the time spent in the studio together, the two of them hanging out with each other and sleeping over at each other’s houses. They were attached at the hip, much to the fans’ dislike. Why would someone who was one of his best friends drug him like that?

“I thought it would make it so you’d forget about that crummy boyband,” he responds, disgusted. “Even after you quit, all you would talk about is how much you loved Liam, loved Harry, loved Niall, and were in love with Louis. How much you wanted them to hear the stuff we were working on. That was _our_ stuff, not One Direction’s stuff. I thought you knew that, I thought you wanted that.

“But,” he chuckles, unamused. “All it did was bring you back to those b----es and their ugly Pop music instead.” Zayn’s heart is racing, his face turning pale. “So if you’re not going to come with me by choice, I’m going to take you by force.”

Zayn rushes back inside, hoping there’s enough people in the club to make Shahid scared to lay a finger on him. It’s not. Shahid and four other people start charging towards Zayn, and no matter how far away he tries to run from them, it doesn’t work, and eventually he’s cornered.

“You’ve lost your mind,” Zayn says honestly, out of breath and with nowhere else to run. “I’m convinced you’re really mentally unstable or something.”

Shahid shrugs. “Maybe so. You’re still coming with me though.” Zayn closes his eyes, not wanting to see anything when the man in front of him inevitably picks up his body to take him somewhere. Where that is, Zayn’s not sure. All he knows is that he’s not having his eyes open when it happens.

“Hey!” A voice calls all of a sudden. Scared at first that it’s one of Shahid’s other goons, Zayn just keeps his eyes shut. “What do you think you’re doing?”

But wait, Zayn knows that voice. That’s not one of Shahid’s goons, it’s…

“Louis?” Zayn whimpers, barely audible as he opens his eyes.

“Ugh, not you again,” Shahid rolls his eyes, signaling two of his other people to go towards Louis. Louis easily defends himself though, taking them down in one punch and one kick. The other two people who came with Shahid try their luck, but Louis just as easily takes them down as well.

  
_That’s hot,_ Zayn thinks to himself, before mentally slapping himself for thinking that at a time like this.

“I believe,” Louis grabs Shahid’s arms and backs him up against the wall. “I asked a question. What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going to take that traitor to my studio and he’s going to either sing for me, or he’s going to regret not doing so.” Shahid grumbles, looking like he doesn’t have a care in the world that he just admitted that out loud. “I’ve got whips if push comes to shove…”

Louis gasps. “What the f***? And you claimed to like him. I knew you couldn’t be trusted from the start.”

Shahid laughs loudly and obnoxiously. “Why do you care? I believe I remember reading that _you’re_ the one who kicked him out again. Why should you care what happens to him now?”

“Because,” Louis responds, using one leg to kick Shahid in the balls. Zayn snorts at the sound Shahid makes, unable to control himself. “He may be an a***hole sometimes, but he’s _my_ a***hole.”

He turns and winks at Zayn, who feels a hint of a blush coming on his cheeks as a result. He’s not completely sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or an insult, but it felt like a compliment.

Shahid scoffs. “Oh wow, so romantic.”

“Be quiet you,” Louis demands, kicking his balls again. “Or else-”

“Or else what?” he scoffs again. “You’ll keep me backed up against the wall all night, kicking my balls every few minutes? Kinky…”

Louis just smirks widely. “Don’t need to. I got all I needed already.”

“Wha-?”

“Zayn, catch!” Louis calls, letting go with one hand and throwing his phone. As Zayn looks at the screen he realizes Louis got the whole conversation on video, including the part where Shahid admitted that he would whip Zayn if push came to shove… “Go, take that to the manager of the bar and tell them to call security.”

Zayn grins and goes on his way. Louis really does care.

“NO!” He hears Shahid call, but it’s too late. Zayn has already shown the manager the complete video and they’ve called security. Louis tries his best to keep the criminal in position, but he eventually breaks free.

“Don’t do this,” Shahid grabs Zayn’s shoulders roughly. “Remember all that great music we recorded together? Remember when you said it was real music unlike that s*** you create with 1D? Don’t you want more of that?”

“Get off of me.” Zayn tries to shake him off, but it doesn’t work.

“Hey, you think they care about you? Well they don’t. They’re just using you for fame and money.”

“ _They’re_ using me for fame and money?” Zayn chuckles, convinced this guy really must have some mental problems to not see the irony in that sentence. “Never once in my life have these boys ever threatened me with whips if I don’t sing for them, neither have they ever literally given me amnesia because they’d rather I make music with them than someone else.”

“But Zayn-”

“No, Shahid,” Zayn tells him firmly, finally removing the other man’s hands from his shoulders. “Enjoy prison.”

At that exact moment, security comes out with handcuffs for Shahid and his goons, ready to take them away.

Louis walks up to Zayn and holds his hand tight. Zayn feels tears forming in his eyes as he quietly hands Louis back his cell phone.

“Are you okay?” Louis whispers in Zayn’s ear, his voice super soft but somehow Zayn can still hear it louder than the booming stereo.

Zayn lifts his free hand up to wipe at his eyes, sure even the tiny amount of make-up he put on must be running right now. “Not really. I mean… I didn’t even remember him before now and once I did he tried to hurt me. How messed up is that?”

He turns his face to Louis’, who’s frowning. “Pretty messed up. I’m sorry, Zayn. I remember you thought of him as one of your best friends and then he betrayed your trust.” He pauses, squeezing Zayn’s hand as Zayn allows himself to cry a bit. He thinks he’s earned it, given what just happened and all… “I’ll tell you what though. I know a certain place we can go, just the two of us, that will make you feel a lot better.”

Zayn raises his eyebrows, tears still falling. Louis is smiling widely at him though, and Zayn thinks both of them really need to get out of this annoying club right now, so Zayn nods, trusting him. 


	3. Tell me where you go when you feel afraid

“I’m sorry,” Zayn says for the millionth time that night alone. “I never should’ve left you guys for that dumb fake friend. I never should’ve left you guys and not told you Doniya was okay. I never should’ve left you guys at all.”

“Ugh,” Louis grumbles. “Can you stop apologizing already? I apologized, you apologized, we’ve said ‘I forgive you’ to each other like eight hundred times now.”

“Yeah but-”

Zayn doesn’t get to finish that sentence because Louis puts a joint in his mouth. “Less apologizing. More smoking and cuddling.”

After the showdown at the club, Louis had led Zayn to the one place he was almost sure he’d never have the rights to go to again: the Mystery Machine.

Since then, the two have been talking, about both important things and not-so-important things. Zayn told Louis that he’s pretty sure he remembers everything now, and that the one thing he has remembered the most throughout this whole thing is that he loves Louis.

“Like, not just as a friend, as like… a romantic interest,” Zayn had added on, nervously playing with his fingers. “And I’m sorry I messed everything up, but I hope you forgive me, because… I can’t live without you. I love you.”

He was expecting to get kicked out of the Mystery Machine right then and there, for Louis to laugh in his face or something, but instead, to his surprise, Louis started smiling widely and fondly.

Louis then leaned down and gently brought Zayn’s face closer to his, eyes silently asking if this was okay (and Zayn really hoped his eyes were saying “yes 100%”), before bringing their lips together into a big kiss.

“I love you too,” Louis said honestly, turning Zayn’s cheeks red and putting the most embarrassingly wide smiles on both their faces.

Back in the present, the two are doing exactly what Louis requested; cuddling with each other, smoking up, and throwing out ideas on what songs they should work on some more when they get back.

Yes, _they_. Louis has promised Zayn that he’s 100% welcome back in the band if he wants to be, and Zayn has assured Louis that he most definitely wants to be. Louis also told Zayn that he and the other boys will make an effort to include some more R &B inspired tracks on their future albums, giving Zayn more space to express himself.

“It’s not fair that we were always holding you back from your ideas,” Louis tells him. “I mean, you have an amazing voice and really are a good writer, Zayn.”

Zayn beams. “Aw, thank you Louis. Right back at’cha.”

“Besides,” Louis takes a drag from the blunt. “I never want to do anything to lose you, or make you feel unwelcome, again.”

“Oh stop.” Zayn giggles, feeling overwhelmed by all the loveliness he’s getting from Louis.

The five of them all still have a lot to figure out, as well as a lot of things to make up to both the fans and each other, but they’re going to figure it out together.

They’ve got all the time in the world, and a love for each other that will never ever deteriorate. None of them are ever going to forget where they belong again.


End file.
